I feel so small. and powerless.

Me is back.

Yes, my life has been through a giant roller coaster. I was down. But I feel much better now thank you very much.

I am still questioning though, what are choices for? (if any of you can answer please, please tell me). Its like, if everything is written, why are there choices? Why should I pick one of two (or more) different paths, if there is destiny? Some say I should do istikhara prayer, the prayer that muslims do to ask God for an answer between hard choices. They say, some might get the answer through a dream, some other say the answer would come through your mind and what you would feel the best for you and you'd be sure of it. So back to my case, let's say I have to choose over A or B. This has been a serious case that everyone in my family, especially Dad, is involved. Dad said, he did the prayer and got the answer, and its A. I personally want B more than anything in the world -pathetic choice of words I know. But yea, I did the prayer and got no dreams. But, a day after I did the prayer my aunty was calling and told she might help me to reach B. So what is that supposed to be? I guess I'll take it as the answer from God for my prayer.

The words I said in the prayer was so touchy. I have to admit that there was a drop of saline fluid flows from my eyes, well a few drops, because I knew what I'd said was so true and I felt so... sinful to 'force' Him. Yet I was so confused and needed an answer. Seriously, I was SO confused, I couldn't even ask anyone for help because it's in me. I needed a suggestion but I knew, no one could help. So I asked Him. Still am.

I am still seeking for an answer, the best answer of all. I know I know nothing. I need an answer. And instead of telling 'I need an answer, I'm confused, and blah' over and over again, I pray.

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might). I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You know everything and I know none, and You have knowledge of the unseen. O Allah! If in Your Knowledge this undertaking is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end (death), for here and the hereafter, then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then bless me in it. If not, then turn it away from me, and make it easy for me to do well, wherever I may happen to be, and make me content with Your verdict, O Most Merciful of the merciful."

There's one thing I'm sure of. I would never be an atheist. I have a faith and am proud of it.

p.s.: I wish I'll get a great news on monday. The announcement day of graduation. Nervous.

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