On friendships

Hello from work again.

I've been high on caffeine since a couple of hours ago and I had to make a few phone calls to Indonesia and I was not interested at all because I've always hated to talk superficially to strangers. And something made me even more hesitated to call, which I'm about to tell soon, and I was saved by the universe for luckily it's the time where these people I had to call were busy until next week. Think about coincidence.

Anyway. I was talking to one of my two best friends back home yesterday, which made me think a lot about myself and how I see friendships. It's perhaps the only thing that remains from all this old self-new self thing. I tend to hold on dearly to my friendships, in a way that it's terrifying how my friends are the people who could hurt me the most. I had 2 friends back home, and now one has been missing and I don't know how to reach to her. Here I've met plenty of wonderful people and I've successfully made good friends with 2 of them (2 is my limit maybe), and I just made one of them mad at me. Aren't I the champion of pushing people away?

What's funnier is that, after realising how true it is yesterday, that I seem to care way much more about my friendships than the people who are in the same cycle of friendships with me (how is this getting confusing), I was thinking of putting some distance with my friends here, in the hope that they would not be able to hurt me the way one of my 2 old best friends did when she disappeared. It's the same old routine, my intensity in befriending people eventually brought me to the feeling of attachment, and when I finally am attached, you wouldn't want to imagine what I could do to make them stay.

And I have slowly become attached to my new friends, and it started to scare me.

So this morning I said something stupid to this new friend. I didn't mean to sound mean of course but perhaps subconsciously it was the message that came out of my mouth because of this stupid idea I had since last night (putting distance). And she was upset, of course. Still is. And my reaction to her madness was unsurprisingly the same old reaction I would have when my old friends were mad at me. I put myself down so low it almost looked like I worship them. But that's simply because I value friendships more than anything else, and it matters a lot to me.

And it's also funny because all of my 4 friends are female. And I heard from my friend yesterday that another friend was asking her about me, if I was into women too. It hit too close to home because I'm not denying it, I questioned myself as well about my sexuality just because of how dearly I could treat my friends. And this is insane and hilarious at the same time. Initially I was mad that people questioned my sexuality. But now I just think that, isn't it great how people could see that your friendships are too amazing people think you're gay? (Or maybe it's both a blessing and a curse).

That's that. I learned a bit more about myself that I may seem like I don't care much. But trust me when I do, I would bring the moon down to my friends' feet if that was what it takes to make them stay in my life. Omg aren't I scary???

" Take bread away from me, if you wish, take air away, but do not take from me your laughter. Do not take away the rose, the lance flower that you pluck, the water that suddenly bursts forth in joy, the sudden wave of silver born in you." -Pablo Neruda
I sent this earlier this morning to that friend and I totally understand why people think I'm gay. But guess what, I don't care what people think ;-)


It's perfectly fine

Hello after a long time.

I never intended to come back here to write actually. But these past few days I've been feeling like writing because it's been weird. Being in a completely new place made me feel like a brand new person (understandable I guess). But as much as it is fun, it scares me from time to time because I wonder if I've changed a lot, or I just didn't know myself well enough to embrace the person that I am now. Like, I swear the first few months I was here all the ideas I had of me before were somehow changed. I almost couldn't recognize myself. Most of the new things I did amazed me, at the point where I never thought I would ever be able to do that. And not all of these new things made me proud. And that is why it is scary. Who is this new person? Who was that old person? Do I like this new person? What if I don't? And worst of all, what if I actually am this new person all along?

At this very moment I am writing while I'm supposed to work. The job's fine. The colleagues and everyone are fine. I know what I don't like from this job and it reminds me of my old job back in Jakarta where it pretty much made me whine all the time and not liking my time there and look for a way out. I am on my way out already. Where to go now?

I'm not gonna complain about my job. I just feel like writing and eventually let out what bugs me, because clearly it's been unsafely stored somewhere underneath me and it's so unhealthy it affects my moods and how I see things. I had this wonderful trip with my friends from Korea last weekend, and while it was super great for the fact that they were my closest friends during my exchange semester 4 years ago and here we met again and felt like nothing had changed, it also revealed some hidden emotions and we learned more about ourselves. It was a very incredibly emotional trip and I shed some tears in a dark compartment of the late night train on my way back home. I found out I actually am a very emotional person, and that's perfectly fine.

And yesterday I met this friend of a dear old friend of mine. I never really liked this person but I was curious to see how I could handle my dislikes. The meeting was great actually. And the talk was okay. But I still couldn't change my dislikes towards her for she seems to be the same careless judgmental person that she was the first time I knew her. And I'm pretty sure she also doesn't like me. But this time, instead of trying to make her like me, I could see myself accepting the fact that some people just can't get along with me, and that's also perfectly fine.

And what now, I don't know. I might be here longer than expected, despite the fact that some people I know don't really like to be here. This place is perfect for me. It's very laid back, and it has everything I'm looking for. Settling down sounds too much for now but maybe, maybe I can just settle for a bit, being grateful for what I've already accomplished so far without having to chase something else. Because I'm tired. So exhausted and tired I feel like going home. I don't even know what home is for now but guess what? It's perfectly fine.


This Christmas

Christmas is approaching. People start to decorate their trees. The lights, the fancy ornaments, the stars, all the happiness that follows. And we're here, locked in a room with our separateness. Far away from the crowd, we sit on each side of the bed, looking down. The tears that secretly stream down our faces form a little pond down the floor. 

A second, a minute, an hour, we lose count of time. Every moment we spend waiting goes right to waste. Why do candles share their lights only to find themselves burned down? The never ending questions, they come back to us like thirst finds a fountain. 

The church bells ring, the people sing. The joy that's been awaited has arrived to people's heart. But not us. In the holy night, we have nothing to celebrate. 


The Letters that I'll Never Send #6

(Can I open this with hugs?),

I am captured in a moment between two things I'm too afraid to type here, that I can't quite delineate. It is something that wakes me up forthwith in the morning, and something that keeps me up all night. It is something I should probably never keep, because it stays in the inside of my brain, perhaps has already built a more permanent abode so that it is even harder for me to forget. And it is something that makes me rather proud of myself for not being mental already... because every cloud has a silver lining.

Among all the things I really need to think about, this perfect visualisation of what's been on my literal dreams pops up in my head. And it's always about you, the thing I always say I don't need and the thing I'm too afraid to think about. Same thing. I've been here before, I've done it again. It's very confusing because it can be very constructive and destructive at the same time. Like, I know that in a few months there is no other possibility but for myself to see this crush to bit. Yet, I keep on thinking that I still can enjoy it while it lasts, creating my own delusion that dupes me for being the naïve little kid that I maybe really am. This delusion however, has always successfully tricked me into thinking that there is a chance somehow, and mine is pretty good. I think about what you did to me, what you brought me to, how you made my day and how you made me 'look forward to Monday to', as I chronicled simultaneously (mostly in the conversations I have with myself. Talk about being mental..), and your perplexing motive that I can't deduce plays an even bigger role in driving myself crazy.

In a positive way, if this still sounds sane enough. You bring a lot of good things, in spite of me. You colour my rather black and white sphere, with a lot of shades and tints and hues with perfect saturation, the kind I've never seen before. You bring out the best in me, help me unleash my potential that I thought was dead, with dying me. You make me want to live, more than just merely exist. I hear from within me a little bit more than a rhythmic beat every time you're around. Without me realising, I have triumphantly pieced myself together again, and it feels so positive I feel like wrapping my arms around you and never let go. Nevertheless, I know that you, like everything else that matters, won't last. And so again I'm babbling about me being imprisoned in my own agony.

"No, I think you've explained yourself clearly."
What if, just if, one day I could stop thinking too much, would you still believe me if I said I loved you?

So good night, beautiful thing. If in a few months I finally, voluntarily or forcefully, let you walk out the door, I will let you know that I'm not gonna die watching the moon and the night marry nevermore.

With the scenarios I have in my head,
Come back.


On the rooftop

So last night we were on the rooftop having a late night conversation, accompanied by the moon light and a surprisingly quiet surrounding given the fact that we were actually right at the heart of this very busy city. We could see all the skyscrapers in a short distance, all over us, but there was no other noise than ours. I was amazed, not only for the existence of such place, but also for what really happened. I didn't expect it to be like that. But it was nice, I don't know, it was extremely nice. I felt excited, and comfortable, and open, and also surprised that I let myself do that to someone new.

There was a bench on the rooftop but we were sitting on the floor, as described by my friend as 'to have the more picnicky feeling'. It was only the water that we had every time a story ended. No other things. No phone, no watch, sometimes a mosquito or two but they didn't really bother because time flew really quickly it was already 1am. Then I said I needed to go home because it was late. So we went down, and I was looking for a toilet, which ended up I was invited over to the bedroom (where the toilet was because it was a dorm-like flat). And who could imagine what happened. My friend showed me around (this is what I didn't expect. Well, it wasn't big so in a minute I could see everything), and we talked some more. We were even engaged in a more interesting conversation. More surprises, more revealed secrets, more trusts.

I don't know what hyped me up last night but I wasn't tired at all. I felt like I could do that all night. Maybe because, I admit, yes I haven't done that in a very long time, and I kinda missed doing that. But of course I couldn't, for I could see in those eyes of my friend's that ok, someone needed to sleep. 2am. I finally excused myself to go.

I don't know now how my friend would think of me, but a message saying 'I don't know for sure if things will stay the same, but if not, I hope to see you again sometime for a coffee or a chat'. And that was enough for me. 'Good night', and we hugged.

Maybe that was the first real hug I've had since forever.


If you go away

"If you go away on a summer day, then you might as well take the sun away. 
All the birds that flew in the summer sky when our love was new and our hearts were high. 
When the day was young and the night was long, and the moon stood still for the night birds' song. 
If you go away...
But if you stay, I'll make you a day like no day has been or will be again. 
We'll sail on the sun, we'll ride on the rain, we'll talk to the trees, and worship the wind. 
But if you go, I'll understand. Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand. 

If you go away, as I know you must, there'll be nothing left in this world to trust. 
Just an empty room filled with empty space, like the empty look I see in your face. 
I would've been the shadow of your dog if it might've kept me by your side. 
If you go away..."

If you go away/Ne me quitte pas, Jacques Brel.

And I feel a little too embarrassed, and shy, and awkward, and happy, and confused, and worried, and a lot of other feelings I can't even describe. But I'm glad, for finally I feel those again, after a long time. And I don't know if I should thank you or stay away from you, because you will go. If only you knew you're the reason I look forward to Monday to.