On friendships

Hello from work again.

I've been high on caffeine since a couple of hours ago and I had to make a few phone calls to Indonesia and I was not interested at all because I've always hated to talk superficially to strangers. And something made me even more hesitated to call, which I'm about to tell soon, and I was saved by the universe for luckily it's the time where these people I had to call were busy until next week. Think about coincidence.

Anyway. I was talking to one of my two best friends back home yesterday, which made me think a lot about myself and how I see friendships. It's perhaps the only thing that remains from all this old self-new self thing. I tend to hold on dearly to my friendships, in a way that it's terrifying how my friends are the people who could hurt me the most. I had 2 friends back home, and now one has been missing and I don't know how to reach to her. Here I've met plenty of wonderful people and I've successfully made good friends with 2 of them (2 is my limit maybe), and I just made one of them mad at me. Aren't I the champion of pushing people away?

What's funnier is that, after realising how true it is yesterday, that I seem to care way much more about my friendships than the people who are in the same cycle of friendships with me (how is this getting confusing), I was thinking of putting some distance with my friends here, in the hope that they would not be able to hurt me the way one of my 2 old best friends did when she disappeared. It's the same old routine, my intensity in befriending people eventually brought me to the feeling of attachment, and when I finally am attached, you wouldn't want to imagine what I could do to make them stay.

And I have slowly become attached to my new friends, and it started to scare me.

So this morning I said something stupid to this new friend. I didn't mean to sound mean of course but perhaps subconsciously it was the message that came out of my mouth because of this stupid idea I had since last night (putting distance). And she was upset, of course. Still is. And my reaction to her madness was unsurprisingly the same old reaction I would have when my old friends were mad at me. I put myself down so low it almost looked like I worship them. But that's simply because I value friendships more than anything else, and it matters a lot to me.

And it's also funny because all of my 4 friends are female. And I heard from my friend yesterday that another friend was asking her about me, if I was into women too. It hit too close to home because I'm not denying it, I questioned myself as well about my sexuality just because of how dearly I could treat my friends. And this is insane and hilarious at the same time. Initially I was mad that people questioned my sexuality. But now I just think that, isn't it great how people could see that your friendships are too amazing people think you're gay? (Or maybe it's both a blessing and a curse).

That's that. I learned a bit more about myself that I may seem like I don't care much. But trust me when I do, I would bring the moon down to my friends' feet if that was what it takes to make them stay in my life. Omg aren't I scary???

" Take bread away from me, if you wish, take air away, but do not take from me your laughter. Do not take away the rose, the lance flower that you pluck, the water that suddenly bursts forth in joy, the sudden wave of silver born in you." -Pablo Neruda
I sent this earlier this morning to that friend and I totally understand why people think I'm gay. But guess what, I don't care what people think ;-)

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