It's perfectly fine

Hello after a long time.

I never intended to come back here to write actually. But these past few days I've been feeling like writing because it's been weird. Being in a completely new place made me feel like a brand new person (understandable I guess). But as much as it is fun, it scares me from time to time because I wonder if I've changed a lot, or I just didn't know myself well enough to embrace the person that I am now. Like, I swear the first few months I was here all the ideas I had of me before were somehow changed. I almost couldn't recognize myself. Most of the new things I did amazed me, at the point where I never thought I would ever be able to do that. And not all of these new things made me proud. And that is why it is scary. Who is this new person? Who was that old person? Do I like this new person? What if I don't? And worst of all, what if I actually am this new person all along?

At this very moment I am writing while I'm supposed to work. The job's fine. The colleagues and everyone are fine. I know what I don't like from this job and it reminds me of my old job back in Jakarta where it pretty much made me whine all the time and not liking my time there and look for a way out. I am on my way out already. Where to go now?

I'm not gonna complain about my job. I just feel like writing and eventually let out what bugs me, because clearly it's been unsafely stored somewhere underneath me and it's so unhealthy it affects my moods and how I see things. I had this wonderful trip with my friends from Korea last weekend, and while it was super great for the fact that they were my closest friends during my exchange semester 4 years ago and here we met again and felt like nothing had changed, it also revealed some hidden emotions and we learned more about ourselves. It was a very incredibly emotional trip and I shed some tears in a dark compartment of the late night train on my way back home. I found out I actually am a very emotional person, and that's perfectly fine.

And yesterday I met this friend of a dear old friend of mine. I never really liked this person but I was curious to see how I could handle my dislikes. The meeting was great actually. And the talk was okay. But I still couldn't change my dislikes towards her for she seems to be the same careless judgmental person that she was the first time I knew her. And I'm pretty sure she also doesn't like me. But this time, instead of trying to make her like me, I could see myself accepting the fact that some people just can't get along with me, and that's also perfectly fine.

And what now, I don't know. I might be here longer than expected, despite the fact that some people I know don't really like to be here. This place is perfect for me. It's very laid back, and it has everything I'm looking for. Settling down sounds too much for now but maybe, maybe I can just settle for a bit, being grateful for what I've already accomplished so far without having to chase something else. Because I'm tired. So exhausted and tired I feel like going home. I don't even know what home is for now but guess what? It's perfectly fine.

No comments: