I'm ashamed of what I am

I know I'm too cynical, trying too hard to be critical but failed in most of the time. I'm commenting on how bad people are by doing this and that and never really realised that I myself and so do most people do that. Its just a normal process even though it doesn't sound good at all.

And tonight, while I'm supposed to be studying for tomorrow's test and am supposed to be praying harder to get what I want, I'm sitting and hoping that time would fly slower and things would just go right instead. Not wanting to be so fake by changing my attitudes because I really want something, although I know I should. Because the thought of "Why be good when I want something? Where was I when I don't need anything?" always comes and wins. I'm not saying the words here, but deep in my heart, I know what I'm doing and I know what I have to do.

So in this very first day of the very last month of the year (as if there was something special..), I promise to myself that I won't try to plan anything in order to make myself better. I won't be fake and won't even think about it. I won't think about the things I shouldn't, and won't say the things I'm not supposed to say either. Enough of all the spoken cynical comments because sometimes I just can't stand the irony.