I swear and I don't care

I believed in your deception, and that makes me feel really stupid. You won, congratulation. Now I feel like a piece of shit in my cave not wanting to go out of my room and talk to anyone, even through online messengers. Seriously, what was on my mind? I feel like an idiot, staring at a blank page, deleting what I've written and typing other things, struggling with my own thoughts that I shouldn't come on this blog only to complain and being grumpy.

And another silly thing is I don't know what I want. I said to myself that I want people to leave me alone because I need some time for myself to do whatever I'll do alone. On the other hand, I keep checking on my phone hoping somebody would flash on it brighten up my day. Yes, I'm that fragile at this moment. I don't know how to handle this and I'm ashamed to re-read this again one day, I can't even imagine someone would feel sorry for me for this. I'm very angry and unfortunately I can't burst it out in a more normal way.

This is not about the goddamn GPA and everything related to it. I don't give a fuck about them. Perhaps, what makes me so angry is the fact that this is my own fault and no one else is being involved because I've been too stubborn to think that I could do it right. I'm confused, I know there's something wrong and how I wish people would understand and come and say sweet things to calm me down or something but I can't even say a word, because of my arrogance that I don't want people to know that I can be this clumsy. I am mad at myself.

I'm feeling sorry for my own self. My phone is full of numbers but no one calls. And I'm still having a problem with accepting things that don't go as I expected. Mum told me a story about a rich and a poor man, and by being grateful and ungrateful the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer. By the time she told me, I was sure that I fit in to the poor more, that I would sink deeper in this fucking trauma I named it.

I'm heaps mad. I'm stupid, deceived, and really really angry. But I look like :|. What's wrong with me???????