It all started when I rearranged my documents few days ago, reread my essays and remembered how glad I was when I received the acceptance letter. I started to blame myself that I didn't study hard enough because if I did, right now I might've been in the other part of the globe sitting in my room talking with a roommate from another region in the world I've never heard before. I hate myself for having thoughts like this but I can't seem to stop. And yesterday I got a news that my friend got the full scholarship of Wesleyan University, another test I failed to pass. I absolutely am happy for him! Not that he said he owes it all to me for helping him but at the same time, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe I lied when I said I've moved on. Or maybe I'm still the same old me who can't let go of the so-called dreams I tried to chase. Believe me it's really hard to get over it. It's been almost a year, but what else a girl in my position to do? I have tried for christ sake to cope and deal with these economic things and involved myself in many activities just to make me busy because at times like this, I know I'll always come back to this very thought that I wouldn't be here if I was good enough.
I know I need to be more thankful that being in my position has been said intensely by many people in their prayers. I've been too stubborn and greedy and everything seems to make sense now. Maybe this is a punishment for me. Or maybe this is just another test in the future I'd wish I could pass. Because I don't know the master plan yet. Maybe this is the best way that can make me smile and think one day about how stupid I was to complain and to blame myself for things I couldn't change. Or maybe I just haven't figured out yet that this is the best way that fits me the most, because I can't stop assuming this and that. I've never been anywhere too far before, why should I expect I'd be that far? Okay then, I need to force myself to stop. I need to get back to reality.