I can't deny that seeing my friends moving forward much faster than I am, though we started it together, gives me some weird feeling; the mix of sadness and jealousy while I'm attempting to don't give a damn about it. I seriously put an effort to think of and concentrate on what I'm currently doing, that I have my own way and I, for the moment, like it. I think I've said this several time before that I didn't and still don't know what I'm looking for. Half of my courage to dream died somewhere last year and it somehow makes me what I am today; a pathetic cynical person. I don't think it's good though. I don't dare to dream big because I learn from my only experience, expectation kills. The higher it is, the lower I fall. And while it took ages for me to realise that life is going on, I and my selfish precious thoughts were shaped this way.
Then again, life goes on. I sometimes have to manage and plan. I sometimes have to do what I don't like. I sometimes need to manage my own emotional judgments of things and though it sucks, I also have to manage my facial expressions and make sure that people don't know I'm very much pissed. Enough with the pissed thing, I remember what dad said; "nothing can harm you without your permission." Why should I permit people to harm me and get tired of it? Thus, I go on.
There I said, I go on. I have tried to plan again. Most of them failed, but I fail better. At least I put less expectation and without it, failures feel much better. And now I'm running on a new plan. I don't expect much, but many of my friends seem to do the opposite. Well, since I don't need to be in Italy to eat pasta, I think I don't need to expect this plan to work out to feel the euphoria, because my friends do it for them and I. Let's just hope their prayers work then.