Life, again.

Perhaps it is not about how big your dreams are and how deep you want them regarding the fact that wise man said the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve things you want. It is about the process of achieving them and how much you learn from what you have done for achieving them.

I can't deny that seeing my friends moving forward much faster than I am, though we started it together, gives me some weird feeling; the mix of sadness and jealousy while I'm attempting to don't give a damn about it. I seriously put an effort to think of and concentrate on what I'm currently doing, that I have my own way and I, for the moment, like it. I think I've said this several time before that I didn't and still don't know what I'm looking for. Half of my courage to dream died somewhere last year and it somehow makes me what I am today; a pathetic cynical person. I don't think it's good though. I don't dare to dream big because I learn from my only experience, expectation kills. The higher it is, the lower I fall. And while it took ages for me to realise that life is going on, I and my selfish precious thoughts were shaped this way.

Then again, life goes on. I sometimes have to manage and plan. I sometimes have to do what I don't like. I sometimes need to manage my own emotional judgments of things and though it sucks, I also have to manage my facial expressions and make sure that people don't know I'm very much pissed. Enough with the pissed thing, I remember what dad said; "nothing can harm you without your permission." Why should I permit people to harm me and get tired of it? Thus, I go on.

There I said, I go on. I have tried to plan again. Most of them failed, but I fail better. At least I put less expectation and without it, failures feel much better. And now I'm running on a new plan. I don't expect much, but many of my friends seem to do the opposite. Well, since I don't need to be in Italy to eat pasta, I think I don't need to expect this plan to work out to feel the euphoria, because my friends do it for them and I. Let's just hope their prayers work then.

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