But someday somehow I will

"Behind my smile lies uncertainty. If you choose a girl, will she be me?" - I Just Wait by Paloma Faith.

Right, I just wait for the right moment to come. For that moment when the past stops haunting. For that moment when I finally can move my arse off that stupid little thing I thought was not that hard to achieve. Perhaps I'm being not fair to myself by thinking that life's been unfair. I never mean to neglect all these beautiful things here but I don't think its that faulty to think that I might get more or at least the same beautiful things somewhere else.

And I've been through that several times. I could forget it for a little while before it comes and comes again like a continuing cycle that seems to start being a pattern. What if its tattooed inside me already, so that no matter how fast I run or how deep I sink it will always be there with me? What if the thing I want to forget the most is the thing I really want the most? Its never easy to deny reality. It never is.

So let me tell you what I'm doing right now. Begging I don't know what to please be nicer this time. It could be time, could be life, or the Unseen. I know its stupid but I can't help, knowing that I wasn't the chosen one and the fact that I helped other people to be chosen until they finally are to me isn't an easy situation to be accepted. Introduce me as the one who introduced and tell them how much I helped. Maybe I'm jealous or maybe I'm not, but I'm now not going anywhere, dear. And I have to live with that. And here goes again the song, behind my smile lies uncertainty.