The meeting I had yesterday seemed a bit different with other regular meetings. We talked about what we felt to each other; the goods, the bads, and the suggestions as well. It went pretty smooth until it came to my part. I heard what my colleagues and my boss think of me, and I was pretty surprised to know that. I thought at first, not sure if this indicates that I seem to underestimate myself a bit or I'm just plain sensitive, that I thought I never gave out my best in this job. At the end of the meeting, I realised that my partners see me as the one who do well though they also noticed that I haven't given out the very best of me that they see me as one big potential resource for this thing I'm involved in, which is why they keep expecting me to do better because they said they know that I can do much better than this. And they also said it was something positive and they put an analogy that I am like an electric fan, who is already cooling down the air, but I can make it much cooler if only I want to press the higher button. What surprised me was, I didn't hear any single thing I thought I would be hearing. They had a very different idea of who I am than what I have and that is somehow relieving.
And this is perhaps the defence because I couldn't do that yesterday. The reason why I haven't worked as well as what they expected is maybe because I don't know the person they're talking about. I mean, not to sound anything but, they seemed to have too high expectation of me -the one who is even mediocre in being mediocre. Or even if they were right about me, I still don't know that person well. Isn't it even scarier that I don't know myself? Or maybe I haven't noticed that I could be THAT valuable in other people's eyes. My boss even told me: "didn't you realise that what you've done brought a very huge impact to this organisation? I couldn't do it last year, and you did it very well so we didn't have to get an alert."
I've got plenty other reasons but if I wrote it here and someone I don't want them to know these reasons read this, I'd be screwed. But if my boss read this, I'd like to say : you were not the first one to say that I'm unique, boss, though I don't know why unique would be the word that describes me since every person is unique. And I have to admit that you were quite right about me. I'd like to thank you for telling me the things I never expected to hear from you, but I'm sorry for not being able to give you a warranty that I could fulfil all your expectations. I know my capacity and I know what I like, though I don't know yet what I want or what I don't want. So if next time you see myself from my perspective, I hope you understand. Thank you!