At last

Took me a whole day to try to break down everything, finding the root of all this. I guess I'll never feel better without having this said.

Back in the time I was feeling comfortable enough in telling people how I feel, I was a little too blown away that I thought people would just think the way I do and would just accept all the info and tolerate everything other people have that are different. Little did I know that not everyone is as stupid as I am and that people have different ways of transforming information into an action, and there lies the big mistake I regret so much.

My dangerous mind had a very wild and abstract idea. I thought it would be better just to tell the certain person about it, for at least I wouldn't have to think about it alone. I thought everything would be just fine. I expected her to just take it casually, as what I always do, and maybe to tell me things like I don't have to worry because I was wrong. Or anything similar, that it was not something to be scared of because I was simply wrong. It turned out that having thinking of that was a huge mistake, and telling her that was a much bigger mistake.

What she doesn't know up until now is probably that it is also not easy for me. I mean, I couldn't tell how many times I blame myself for thinking that way. And her reaction, which was to stay away for me, confuses me too. And makes me sad. I can understand why she did that though, maybe if I were in her position I'd do the same. But you know why I hate myself? Because there are a lot of things I wish I could explain, that it was simply a mistake and I was completely wrong, and I'd definitely beg just to have another chance to be friends like we used to, but she wouldn't listen. Or even if she would, she wouldn't tell me how she feels about it now and then, because she has remained silent since that night. If wishing for her to forget everything is too much to ask, I just wish she doesn't hate me. If wishing for her to talk to me again is too much, I just wish she would never tell anyone about it. I don't wanna lose more friends. I don't wanna have more people think I'm weird, in a bad way.

This is maybe too stupid of me to wish that she'd read this, but if that ever happened, I just wanna say I'm sorry. You know I never like begging. I never meant to sound so desperate in begging for your forgiveness, that resulted in the more you hate me or the more you wanna avoid me. It's maybe not only because I don't wanna lose our friendship, it's also because I don't want you to think I'm still wrong. I've learned a lot from that, and losing you is a very expensive price I have to pay to learn that. It will never happen again, not only to you but also to everyone, I'm so sure of that and I know myself. I'm so glad to see that you're now becoming a better person in such a wonderful way. But on the other hand, I'm sorry for myself for becoming the person I never thought I'd be. You don't know how big this impacted me. But again, it's not only because I lost a friend because of my stupidity, it's also because I still don't know how to forgive myself. When you said I should just cut everything off and stop to overthink, you were right. But I was expecting you to say more. To tell me if there's still something I could do to have our conversations back, without having your disgusted or annoyed face in my mind. As I write this down, I imagine sending you the link of this stupid post so that I'm sure you'd definitely read this. But then again, the possibility of you getting more annoyed is bigger than having everything clear. Perhaps you'd think I'm so pathetic for being like this. I have to admit I am, but trust me it's not like what you think it is. Until you tell me what I need to hear maybe I can never stop wondering, which I'm sure is more dangerous. I'm sorry that this is an egocentric confession, that I do this to comfort myself (because no one else would), and that it's not really about you. But then again, hearing you doing so fine makes me happy. That's not something self-centered people would feel I suppose. Well, you know better.

There I said it (again). For some strange reason I feel slightly better, which makes me feel like I know things will be okay. I also feel like smiling.


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