Hate is a strong word

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind... or forgotten." Lilo & Stitch

I hate the fact that I need to get all blue to be productive to write here. 

But anyway, yes, I'm currently hating on everyone. The saddest part is I hate myself the most. And I'm questioning everything, and I'm mad because I can't find the most logical answers that I need the most.

All the whys come in almost the same time. I'm not ready for that, I'm not ready to go crazy...alone. I tried to tell my sister about what happened to me, what I did in the other place, and how excited I was in trying to tell her that. And she was.. meh. She didn't react the way I expected. I'm not even sure if she thinks it's cool. I ended up getting excited in front of someone who wasn't, which sucks. And I hated her for that. But I hated myself more for letting myself try telling that, while I actually knew there's a chance of her not getting why I got all excited. While I actually knew she'd be indifferent. And I lost my hope in humanity again.

Another thing, I met a friend. She told me exactly what I've been scared of all the times. And I couldn't feel relieved because it surprisingly and unexpectedly makes me feel sad. I don't even wanna think about it, but I'm hating myself for feeling that too. I feel lost, I don't feel like I'm home in my own home, and I don't know if I still have friends or if my friends still like me because I haven't really talked to anyone lately. And that my only friend doesn't even wanna talk to me like we used to.

And I've been telling myself that I have another family in the other place. But I guess I'm wrong. I quoted Lilo & Stitch above, just to comfort myself that it's actually gonna be ok. But I'm not sure it is. My other family has another life without me in it. They've been talking and talking about things I don't understand. And I hate myself for trying to understand, because no one will ever explain. Meanwhile here I feel foreign in my own family already. And I hate myself for being so stupid that I'm feeling foreign. 

I hate myself. Why am I here? Why do people know me but they don't talk to me? Why do I have to think that I'm alone, while I'm actually not? 

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