Sick thoughts

I, ugh, have sick thoughts again.
What kind of sick thoughts?
The self-destructing ones.
Are you okay?
I don't know. (I'm surely not)

I wish it would just be another line of a fiction I'd be writing, but it's not.

I look back and think to myself (which is also the root of all this craziness). My journal is almost always empty, my wallet pretty much contains of receipts and nothing, my friends are non-existant, my family is busy, my life is so uneventful, I'm in a huge debt and I'm so uninspired. And another time when I said I was extremely busy, it's not that. I admit I've been pushing people away because I don't see the point of meeting and talking to them anymore. I became so mean and arrogant and stupid and lonely, yet too proud of it every now and then. I hate everyone and everything almost equally every day. I thought it was the place that I don't like, hence everything and everyone in it would just add another drop of hatred to my hateful jar. But then, it's so possible that once I got out (like it would really happen), I'd still hate those who don't at least see the basic things of everything. So it's not the place, it's not the people, it's me.

Now I wonder what kind of monster I'd turn out to be, knowing I've certainly changed from the past few years. It's not cutely surprising anymore, it started to scare me. You can't imagine how hard it is to get through it at night when all I could wish for is to simply fall asleep without having to imagine a lot of unnecessary things, the what ifs I wish to disappear, the dreams that I for once admired because they can take me anywhere to meet anyone I'd love to meet. But I know it's not healthy to keep on searching for the unseen and skip on the visible part. I know this and that but it's really hard to man up and battle with it as a grown up. Maybe I'm not, despite everything people told me, maybe I always am that one scared little kid trying to put on a deceitful mask yet silently crying for help. With that being said, what's worse than having no one to trust (or more like, unable to let no one to be trusted)?

I have my books, I have my phoney world, I have my new routines and new future plans. Maybe, selfishly enough to say, I was just bored with the old people that I know so I need to change something a little bit. I deal with new people, as much as I don't want them to keep in touch, I have to. It's been a few weeks already, I still don't know what they see in me that I missed because they seem to approach me easily, telling me what I'd call deepest secrets if I were in their positions, and still act as if nothing happened. I want that. I want an ability to trust, is that too much to ask? I want people to make me comfortable, make me respect them enough so they can gain my trust. I want people to do a lot of things for me to get there, because maybe without all of us realising, that's what I did to gain theirs. But why are people so selfish that they only want to be listened? Why are people so insensitive to know that they share the same basic needs with other people? Why aren't I less complicated like maybe most people I know? Why do I need them to do things for me if I didn't want them in the first place?

This is my journal, and I have to tell you until this very moment I've erased almost half of what I've written because I feel so insecure. I told you, I have sick thoughts.

1 comment:

Crista said...

My little Kuch,

I LOVE YOUUUU!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Now that you know this -and it's not only me, but all the honey badgers -don't let the past tie you and make u stop dreaming about your future and living the present. It happened exactly the same to me, u know? And I know it's hard. It is very hard! But the key is never giving up the fight. It might get better eventually, you'll see! It's just a lesson that we have to learn: CARPE DIEM! ;-)