Mental moment

Last time I was talking about disgust, it was toward someone else. 

I was really tired lat night yet couldn't go straight to bed. I was, what's the word, distracted. Distracted from my current thoughts, fears, ambitions, dreams, responsibilities, and all the words used to describe everything that's usually in my mind. I thought it would be good, distraction. But no, not really. 

Sadly we never really have gotten to choose what tomorrow's gonna bring. So for a few moment last night, which I believe lasted for at least 1.5 hours, I felt the need to enjoy my present. "Fuck tomorrow, my every second of tonight won't ever come back again", I thought to myself. 

I spent the time to dig into my shitty collection of poetry and reread them all, trying to remember what it was all about when I made them. I felt like laughing, knowing how sentimental I could be and how stupid everything really is (stupid has definitely become one of my favourite words to say, sometimes it's out of context but I just like to say it. My sister hates it when I say stupid, it sounds to her like I'm a snob). But really, stupid is the word. 

Then I read them out loud. 1 in the morning, reading poetry, and despite what people say about my facial expressions, I think it was okay. If someone heard me probably they'd thought I was mental. But in that 'mental' moment I found peace. And a friend. Wow, I probably really am mental because I found a friend in me, someone I've been trying to approach since forever. 

But of course good moments don't last. Nothing ever really lasts, and neither did that moment last night. To the fear of waking up late this morning for class, I forced myself to sleep and here I am now, still in bed, having another unnecessary thought to think about. Sometimes I wonder how other people's minds work, if they're as tiring as mine or it's just normal and I should stop making a big deal out of it, I would never know. 

But I'm kinda sad to realise how easy it is to lose that friend in me despite the fact that it was really hard to be friends with her in the first place. 

And this time, I'm disgusted to myself.

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