Not that I'm not scared of death (nor I'm scared of it). It's just that I realised (just recently. In fact I was just thinking about it as I stopped reading John Green's Looking for Alaska for a while because it got too depressing for me to take and I didn't want to look teary because I was in a moving train surrounded by strangers. Spoiler much?), it's something real. And it also got me thinking about my very own, that no matter how busy I am right now trying on every verb possible for me to do, to die will be the last verb I'm doing.
Maybe it's too shallow to think that death will be the end. No living person could ever tell what happens after we die, and it just occurs to me that how powerless we all really are and how greedy we are to try to know everything. Ok I'm talking about me, how greedy I feel like right now. I've lived my years of life having weird curiosity and it normally scares the shit out of me not to know the answers of my questions. But what is the point of questioning humans greed if its just another indication of being human? Greed is a part of myself as a human. Just like my body parts and my soul and the unthinkable adjectives and the labels I'm not supposed to think about. And if I die while I'm still full of greed, chasing the things I probably don't need and wanting to have the things I probably don't deserve, I'd be dying as a human just as other people would. So what difference would it make if each of us will finally blend in with the ground having our flesh rotten, feeding the big fat worms we once were disgusted about, and finally be forgotten because unfortunately, another inseparable function of a human is to forget, despite how much we want to remember everything?
Maybe I know. Right now, death doesn't scare me as much as the uncertainty of the future does. Death itself is uncertain too, I know. But maybe I've just been too busy trying to be alive.