The Letters that I'll Never Send #5

Three weeks and you've already made your way all the way to this stupid letter.

First off, I need to tell you how great it made me feel to spend the last 3 weeks with you, even though my stupid expressionless face doesn't really show it. I admit, sometimes I wish I could redo our conversations just so I could be sure that you don't get the wrong impressions. Because this is all about impressions, another confession, I've been trying to impress you. It's hard and tricky because I don't want you to know I'm trying, and if that's too readable I hope you don't think I'm too desperate. Maybe I am though, a bit, but hey let's not focus on that and let me finish my letter, okay?

So yeah, I will just go ahead being sweet now because I know there's no other way I could really say it. This isn't even a real letter and I know you won't even read it, but I'm sure this will at least make one of us feel better. You are so amazing, I'm sure a lot of people have told you that. Beautiful and smart and fun and charming, how can one have all the package? And I love hearing your stories because I love seeing your face when you talk, and also because I can learn a lot from them (therefore I need to hear more!). I love seeing your face when we argue, when you disagree with what I'm saying. I feel like, you appreciate what I have and you show it (with your endless expressions that I surely don't have), and it makes me sad thinking that I might give you the wrong impression when you said something hilarious and I was just sitting there smiling stupidly as if I wasn't interested. But again, I'm thinking of what impressions you got from me all the times and that's because that's just how much I want to know you more.

I hope before 4 months this will stop because I don't want to keep the butterflies inside my tummy. Maybe they've already started growing now and I know eventually I'll have to kill them all. But if in 3 weeks so much could happen, who knows what 4 months will bring? I don't even know why I have to follow the society standard because I know, the more I'm doing this, the bigger this admiration will get. And I need to stop.

And this is the part that I hate the most: The Unless. Of course, I need to stop unless you don't want me to stop. I need to stop unless you want to keep doing this with me, to fulfil my curiosity and to help me get away from my stupid guilt of thinking the unnecessary things. I think too much. I know you do too and I know how you get rid of it. But I can't, or maybe I don't want to. Because most of them is about you. And I hate it so much that by letting The Unless stands, it means that I'm actually depending my feelings upon you, upon another human being that it gives me less control of myself. I don't sound too sweet anymore now, do I?

But okay, let me finish this letter with my harmless sweetness again (the kind that you might like because this doesn't involve any real sugar). I can't show you what I feel but I can tell you how I feel now. I don't normally like it when I lose an argument, but I (have gone crazy for the last couple of days that I) have had imaginary arguments with you inside my head, and I always let you win. I have spent my nights thinking of you and when I look outside my window I see the moon, and it has the same colour with your eyes and maybe it's just another excuse for me to think of you. And I think I'll be happy just to be the small stars, giving you the stage, surrounding your presence, and complimenting your charm. Now I hope you know how much you mean to me, and it's only been three weeks!

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