I don't curse

I am not giving up, I am just trying to live with this life, this unfriendly life.
I am still living, living as a soulless robot with happy-faced masks, if thats what people want.
I am transforming into a quiet stone at home, I don't know and don't wanna know when this phase will stop.
I am writing this post with a mixed feeling, I don't know what word describes it best.
I am still breathing, not gonna stop it by myself, unless life really forces me to.
No, I am not an atheist even though I am questioning why God of this and that religions works in different ways. I still do believe that there is some kind of God.
I also am questioning why we have to face choices if our destiny is already written, even before we were born.

I have so many whys and I feel like talking to someone. But here I am, talking to myself. Doing the finger dance, on this keyboard. Creating melody to break the silence. Pouring water into broken glass. Being poetic, very pathetic. I hate it so much when people see me sad. So much, as much as I want them to know it. I am tired of being a selfish bitch. But I don't care because I will never be able to change it. I hate keeping all my stories alone. and I hate to be hateful.

I feel like talking. Then cry. Crying myself to sleep. Then sleep. The next morning, I wake up seeing nobody. Then I think. Think of why I cried the night before. Why I can't let everything go. Then I arrange things on my mind. I try to find every single possibility. Then I remember the impossibilities. Then I cry again. Then I feel like talking again. But everyone is busy, for the upcoming test. Then I write another junk on my blog.

3 paragraphs, different shits, same meaning: shattered heart.

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