If only

"Can you stop thinking about what other people want and think of what you want?" Noah.

If only someone asked me like Noah did to Ally, I wouldn't be here feeling heaps mad and upset and trying hard to tell myself that it's only because of the oestrogen and is normal to every woman in my age. But no, my rational mind says that I can't stop thinking of people's opinion about me because I don't want them to think that I'm a selfish bitch that never think of anyone but myself. I don't want them to think like that even if I am. Why? I haven't found any answer.

If only someone asked me what I feel about what I want, I believe I would cry. For the thought that there's someone think about me because I myself don't and for the thought that finally there's someone care about what other people want because I think being selfish is just so human, despite the fact that I think and have to think about not to be selfish.

If only there's someone I could talk to about anything while I put my sad face on without saying that I don't look like me. If only people were just like me, feel like me and see things like I do. If only I didn't have to be me.

Here I am waiting for those ifs to come true, putting my poker face on, thinking of what people want me to be, regretting of being a deceiver. If only I was not myself.


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