A robotic bitch I am, whatever..

Today was the victory day, a full family day. It went alright until my family and I had this convo. I'm not gonna say the specific conversation we got, because I don't remember the whole thing, but this is the point. No matter how good I act, how pretty I look, how smart I become, I will always be the beast in the family. That is because I don't have this empathy, sympathy, and other words that end with thy but apathy.

This really drops my mood down, like, I feel it as a kind of pressure, something that I can't see but I can always feel. Nobody knows me better than myself, but they are my family, they live with me under the same roof. They know me, well they think they know me. I still don't think they really do because I only spend few hours a day with them. But the judges they are, only need to say a word to send me to prison.

Is it wrong to be different? I don't like to be the same with other people, I don't want to be the one who follow what other people have done. The reason why I chose social studies over science back in high school was because my mum wanted me so and my sister was already choosing science. And why I didn't want to go to UI was because my cousin is going there.

Now about my attitude. Whatever I do is the worst thing they've known. If only they know I am not happy either to seem have an eternal enemy. And the worst thing of this enemy thing is that we share the same DNA. This is sad, but I always have this feeling whenever I'm with my siblings. Like the four of us, my big sister always wants to do anything with my brother, leave me with my younger sister who always has a fight with me. By that I'd rather be alone. And because they never understand me, here I am always feeling lonely. And I know no one will never understand this loneliness whatsoever because I am freak, as they always say.

Due to their wants, I need to learn to change my behaviour. I can't just say it's not as easy as turning on the telly (weird idiom here sorry). That's why I remain silence. And they think it is a form of ignorance, that I never learn and never want to hear. So here I am, sitting and thinking in my own world. I know this is only a feeling, that I'd better keep on thinking that I have my brain to rule my heart. But the dilemma I face, the more I use my brain, the more they will think I'm a heartless robot.

No comments: