I am me, I am mean

Behind these ear-to-ear smiles. Behind the laughter and the joy. There's something deep. Something you may not understand. Something that you never realise it's real; it breathes, it grows up, and it's alive.

Believe me there are so many whys and what's wrongs. Some of you may ask while some others walk out. But there's no difference, you never get an answer or explanation. Then you may dislike me because of this ugly behaviour. Trust me people, I dislike myself either.

At some rainy nights while everyone is busy talking about everyone else, I was there pretending loving everything. Time flies fast until I don't know what's true and what's fake anymore. Somehow it's confusing to choose which face to put on, not that I'm a two-faced but hell yes I'm a multi-faced to myself. I can be the most cynical person and the most kind-hearted one. I can compliment myself and give the worst comments at one time.

Don't think I'm smart when I talk about something brainy, believe me I'm the luckiest dumb you've ever known. Don't think I'm ungrateful because I always complain, behind all that I'm still looking for one good reason. I like exploring people because I'm searching for the best word to describe me, because I think I could find someone like me. But I thought wrong.

I'm not exaggerating anything, but you don't know that I have problem with my self-confidence. I'm not a good muslim, not a good friend, and I'm even the worst daughter ever. I can't find one good place, the one that I can call home. One thing that I know for sure about myself is that I'm the meanest person on earth. I have negative thoughts of almost everything. I believe that one day, my thoughts would be the thing that bring me to the lowest ground, my evil thoughts would kill me. And if I wasn't me and I found someone like me, I wouldn't want to be friends with her.

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