I'm currently in a moment where I don't think I can trust people. I don't know if its good but I'm simply tired of trusting. I can't see the value of it. Anyway, I instant messaged with a best friend today and we never talked and met for ages, but through our conversation, she asked why I was so quiet and said that I'm different, that she could sense that I'm not the happy clown she used to know. That hit me, seriously. Is it THAT obvious because I may look like I'm okay but there's something I'm hiding. And she, as usual, can feel it. Even without looking at my face. Its her words that I like, when I said I should never tell anyone because no one is able to hear complaints and shit, and she said 'as long as I have ears, I'd be here listening'.
That's one of million good talks between me and her. We started talking about everything again, about the old crazy days, the wild imaginations, the stupid things we've done, and the extreme things we planned. Then the topic moved into obsession, that she's confused that sometimes she feels like she's obsessed with someone. I didn't tell (because I don't know I just can't) that I was too. And by the end of our convo, it got me thinking that I'm not the only one who can be so obsessed with people. Only, I still think that my obsession was not right. It happened for more than once, it always worked out though. But yes, some things are made to be mystery. If I know everything, life would be boring.
Now the topic is changing, its about me and my points of view. For me, being cynical is not wrong, but for some people, it is. I'm sorry, I can't keep the words for myself but I'm too coward to say it explicitly. And I'm also sorry for the lies I aimed to soothe. Behind all those cynical comments and analogy, I just want people to know that they all are so lame, as I am. Perhaps the way I'm thinking prevents people to talk to me. Because behind this mask, there lies a super mean person who doesn't know the power of her thoughts. Therefore, I need distractions. Distract me people, please, don't let me think about unnecessary things because I'm sometimes scared of it.
And this has something to do with the very first paragraph of this post. I was bored after studying (seriously, err). I chatted to some good friends while one of my old friend I only knew the name made a conversation with me. We talked about simple things, I thought that was just it. But then she came up with a topic that attracted me. Then we talked much. And when she left out, I am thinking again. Jeez what's wrong with me? Should I stop talking to people for the sake of making me stop thinking?