To stay or to leave

I talked to my cousin today, and that was like about the whole thing I feel recently. Yes it's about my education, here in Economics department in UI.

I don't know why I don't feel like getting the right atmosphere and enthusiasm and all about being a college student, especially in everyone's dream place. As in economics, it was my own decision to choose management as the major. I just didn't know that things would end up like this. I hate economics, I want politics. International relations was my first choice that I couldn't get into, because err yea I didn't study for the test but mum's prayers were so powerful that were able to send me to my second choice, management. They were TOO powerful that I didn't get into my third choice, political science. And I thought I'd be just fine.. Not. I mean, I wanted to be a businesswoman and management was the right place for that, but that was long before I finally found my passion and interests, politics. Now I regret that I didn't study for simak, because well, who knows that mum's prayer along with my efforts would make me be part of the exclusive kids of international relations? Not that I want to be exclusive but, well you know what I mean..

And I'm having a kind of dilemma now, whether to try the test for IR again next year or to keep struggling in economics. I can't bear the lessons here, I'm the last person you'd like to tell about stock exchange or inflation whatsoever. On the other hand, I don't wanna waste another year going to UI, and start everything all over again as a freshman, and to make it worse, that would happen only IF I passed the test, which means I will have to study history, geography, math, and everything again. So what's on my mind now is to convince myself that I am as good as everybody else (or as stupid as everyone else because I don't understand every singe lesson they gave and I'd like to assume that neither does everyone, just to make me feel better). I don't know what would happen in the next 7 months, If I still couldn't find a comfortable atmosphere in economics, maybe I'll take the test. Or, could anyone just send me to mars? Err.

Another thing is, it's awkward to having new friends and start talking about simple things from the beginning because I want to know what kind of person they are. I don't know, it's just simply awkward. Since my high school friends are getting busy with their new worlds without me inside, and the time when I finally met them again was the best moment happened for the whole week, I need to find a new world too. I can't always look back (really have to keep it in mind).

Another important thing I've learned here is that I can't expect anyone. No, people are as busy as I am, and they don't wanna hear stupid things that I say. Thus, I have to be an individualist, self-centred but easy going chick to stay in the society. Or, keep being an outlier like what I always wanted to be since the first day I faced reality, that here I am now, economics UI (at least until I make the decision whether to take the test or not). To sum up, I need.. help?

P.S : I don't care about instability anymore. This is my blog, I decide what to write about.