1.11.10

Sometime life gives you the finger

Today is the first day of this month. Today is the first day of this week. Yet, today is one of the worst days of my life.

I've been having this kind of pressure when I had to choose over difficult choices. I've been pretending not to care when I found out that some of my friends like me because they like my ride (or even worse, they don't like me at all). I've been lying to myself that I'm happy to live here and to study there. I've been fighting with my own thoughts that it's just a matter of time, that even though uni lessons have never been friendly to me, my new friends will help. Now I'm tired of all the shits.

I've never thought that bad scores would make me feel like this. I've never felt like this before, seriously, even super low score of SAT (which was the only hope I could get into US colleges) didn't make me feel this way. Well back then, there was no one like me, so I didn't have any comparison and that, I think, is much better, because I didn't have to feel like I'm stupider or to feel guilty if I got better score. But now it's different. Maybe I am used to get everything easily. I don't mean to sound anything but at school times, I didn't have to study super hard to get good scores, maybe that's because I didn't have the need to be the number one (I still don't), and I didn't have to fight to survive. I mean, I still could pass the tests, got good ranks, and all. But now it's different. A friend is leaving because maybe she thinks that being with me brings no good to her. Other friends who say 'I can't do that' or 'I know nothing' are absolutely not worth trusting because, oh well, the fact shows something different.

This is the first time of my life, I cry because I think I am the stupidest of all, because I got a bad score on Business Introduction (seriously, first time), because I don't think I belong here, because I think I took the wrong way, because I think this is the karma for me, that I didn't study for SIMAK and now I have to pay. God didn't give me this for nothing, did He?

What makes today worse is that I feel something different with my friends. I know I shouldn't do this and shouldn't even think about this, but the thought of being compared, being stupider, being unwanted (because someone obviously doesn't like the way I socialise), being betrayed (because people take benefits of me), and other stupid things bring me to the lowest ground. I'm thinking of not being friends with anyone, at least not too close, so that I wouldn't have to feel this way. I can be my own best friend.

4 comments:

Nadya Komanechi said...

abby.. i don't know if 'she' whom leaving you is me or not. sebenernya gue ngerasa jadi outlier akhir-akhir ini kalau jalan sama kalian bertiga-- semenjak gue nolak nginep bareng. gue nolak bukan karena nggak mau belajar bareng kalian :'( maaf ya kalau gue nyakitin hati kalian. dan bi, bukan lo aja yang ngerasa nggak punya teman dekat. gue juga gitu, rasanya sedih banget. seenggaknya lo ada prayang sama yuyu. semangat yaa! kalau diem, lo serem :D

AchlamBasalamah said...

Gak gitu lah Kom, I was just stressed out a bit. Lebay aja gue sampe begitu, padahal kayaknya emang freshmen syndrome belum selesai bagi semua orang haha. It's all clear kok. Thanks, Koma!

p.s: yah, berhubung gue pendiem, gue serem setiap saat dong? haha

Nadya Komanechi said...

beneran clear? haha. yaudah deh percaya gue, lo pendiem :D

Anonymous said...

I think you need to befriend yourself above anything though :(