This planet, this country, this family, even this body have made me confused. Everything makes me confused. I feel like going to some beach getting drunk doing everything without feeling guilty. I feel like doing all those things without the fear of being judged or being talked about, and if I could already handle that, I wanna do that without hating and being disgusted with myself.
When I write this down, I'm thinking of how people would react. They would think I have too dangerous thoughts or I've been acted out of control or what a pity that I don't feel comfortable with what I've chosen and how I'm living my life. I'm not gonna lie to myself that yes, I do care about people's opinions that's why I can't let myself doing everything I want. Because I have these limitations. And that's also what makes me questioning a lot that if I'd never heard or seen any of these activities I've always wanted to do and if I lived my life straight along the line my parents taught me to or the holy people or the holy book or other holy things ever existed taught people like me to do, would I ever get confused like this? Or if I'd never known about these rules saying I have to wear this and I can't do this and that and I was practically legal to do it all, would I ever get confused like this?
This may be some kind of curiosity, or maybe it's just me don't get the point why I should be like this while other people out there can do whatever they want without having the feeling I would get if I did the same. I want to do many things without having people say 'hey you're wearing that thing on your head why you act like that' or 'a girl like you shouldn't do that' or 'it's against your religion' or any other things the mean society could say. What is wrong with me? Or is it this family? Or is it this country? Or this planet? And there's no point of asking that because I know the choice is in my hand and I've chosen to be like this and I can't go back except I want to be judged negatively but no, I know how my family would react if they found out if I'd done something embarrassing according to them and this crazy society and the main reason is because I've been taught that there is something above us all watching and recording my every move and if I got more bad records than the good ones I'd go to hell. I'm not proud to say this, not even close to, but yes I do too many bad things. I tell lies, I complain a lot, I say bad things, and the most crucial one, I skip my praying times. I know if this continues, I'd go to hell. Hell, what's hell like? Ok before those religious dudes criticise me I'd move. My question now is, I have skipped the most important part therefore my bad records are much more than my good ones. If I do other bad things like getting drunk and doing other things you say it's wrong, what's so different then?
I wanna go to a party and get drunk and lose my mind. But hell, this is not Hollywood. I'm not living your lives. I live mine, in this good family, this crazy country, this sick planet, and I'm not allowed to do what you do because I've chosen to live like a good girl. I'm not allowed, due to this thing I believe in, this family I belong to, this country I never like, this planet I've broken.