My answer was simple and straight. At the time I was trying to manage my feeling. People congratulated me and they thought I was so great to make it that way, yet, I didn't think I've done a good thing. Well at least not for myself, I think, and of course, according to me.
~~~
Is it wrong not to feel good while everyone thinks you should? I've been having this syndrome. It's not like I'm not grateful or something. It's just I think, if I can do it, everyone can. Funny how people can be so proud of who and what I am but I don't feel it for myself. And people keep thinking that I'm either trying so hard to be kind or I'm really weird that I don't feel what everyone feels (mostly the second). Perhaps I really am weird for having different perspectives and different way of thinking. I surely don't want to be stereotyped under the same words as they are.
Anyhow, last night I was having dinner with my friends. It was nice but I don't know what's wrong, I feel like there's something different in our friendship since they got other thing to do without me. It's also not a good thing to know that I'm sometimes afraid that I've done something wrong because I think if I did so, they could simply leave me, and I've never felt like that before. It's true that, I'm not trying to sound anything but this is what I really feel, we've never had hard and deep conversations as I used to have with my old friends. We're simply different and our only similarity is the place we're studying. That doesn't mean I don't like them though. I never mean to sound disrespectful or anything but I really miss to have a good brainy chat without having someone complaining and saying that I'm such a freak, even though I really am. Some words are better keep untold, aren't they?
And today I got a message from one of my favourite people in the world. Emphasising on the words one of my favourite people, she really is an inspiring woman for me, for what she's done and she's been through, she still dedicates her life for the place she was born and I think she will never leave it even if she got a chance to do so. Something I think wouldn't cross my mind if I was her. Anyway, yes we got a convo earlier about a bit of everything and it got me thinking that I'm not alone at all. If I open my eyes a little wider, I could see it very clearly that what I think other people don't think about is actually what's been on every people's minds. Oh well I'm just trying to make myself a little happier by saying that I'm not that freak. At least I'm not alone. Ok even if I am, so what? Oh right, let's not make this a monologue.
No comments:
Post a Comment