Unfairness whatsoever

Once again I'm sitting all alone here, wondering why I'm sitting all alone here. Perhaps, just perhaps, I might do better at somewhere else. Or maybe I'd be worse, whatever. I'm wondering why I can be like this while I wanted to be like that. I'm wondering why people are people and I am me. I'm wondering why I do this if I don't want to. I'm wondering why I don't do what I want to do. I'm wondering why I want to do something people don't want to do. I'm wondering why I have that intention to do what others don't want to do. I'm wondering why I think about things others don't think about. I'm wondering why I think about it, feel about it, wish to have it, but in fact I'm just sitting here wondering. I'm wondering why I have to think about it all, if in fact I can't have it all. I'm wondering why I have dreams. I'm wondering why I am permitted to have dreams. I'm wondering why dreams are just dreams. I'm wondering why they hurt. I'm wondering why I have to be born like this. I'm wondering why it was all written like this. I'm wondering why I feel like writing all the things I'm wondering of while I know I'm 100% sure it won't help. I don't wanna sound pathetic and all but I don't know why I keep wondering. I haven't grown up I know. I haven't set the deal with failures I met. I haven't got any clue of what I'll be in the next few years. I don't know. I'm just wondering why I should be me.

Been a long time since the last time I cried over it. Its not that I want compliments or anything. I'm just a little confused that I'm afraid I'd be lost if this keeps going. All those influences, all these mediocre things I have, all those better people, and all things we deserve, it doesn't make sense. Motivations, supports, what, love? Bullshit. I'm trapped in someone's favourite candy box which seems to be a disgusting spot for me. This isn't an ungratefulness or complain or whatever you call it. I'm just wondering, perhaps, just perhaps, I'd be happier if I could get what I really wanted and live that world I've been dreaming of instead of living a world people have been dreaming of doing things people like but I don't really enjoy. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'd be happier having all those plans achieved instead of cursing of being a pathetic unplanned bitch. Perhaps, I'd be happier being called selfish than being known as the kindhearted fake woman. And I'm wondering, would that be fair for others if I chase my own happiness regarding the fact that I think what's happening now is unfair to me. I can't just wait for years to come to see what kind of person I'll turn out to be. But I've nothing to do but sitting here all alone wondering why life treats me this way.

No comments: