I tend to blame myself for the reactions people give. I tend to regret saying/asking things that people are upsetting about. I tend to feel disappointed for things people don't do. I tend to think something's wrong with me when people show particular facial expressions. Most of the times I'm mad, I'm mad at myself. After what I did today, I can't be anymore certain that my low level of self-esteem (or other psychological things I know aren't good to have) has gotten me too far.
I couldn't sleep and I talked to an old friend. He asked why I was still awake and I said I can't sleep, and he asked again what happened. I said nothing happened but he didn't buy. He was right, this guilty feeling kept me wide awake. I can't just walk away right now like I usually do whenever things go a bit wrong. I normally think whatever happened has happened anyway, and there's nothing I can do about it. But now, I still have to figure out how things will turn out, and this waiting phase is what kills me. I can't stand the possibility of things getting wrecked that I created. I'm scared, because I know I can never forgive myself if the worst case scenario happened. But I know people won't understand how complicated this it to me, and this post will be another piece of shit they will laugh at. I know the consequence, and I think its much better to take that risk than to let myself chew all these thoughts alone. Well at least, they'll know I'm not
that secretive, deceptive, or whatever adjectives they thought I am.