I've been imagining myself having things I definitely can't have lately, and it's weird that such activity somehow brings pleasure. Later I realised I've been torturing myself by doing so. And I'm tired. Can't I just be excused for the rest of my life?
It was my birthday few days ago. Everyone was there. I was so happy yet I felt empty. Not at that precise moment when everyone sang a birthday song and everything, but the days after. I feel empty. Perhaps it's an accumulation of all the tiring exhausting things I've been hiding. Or things I've been trying to remove. Or even worse, it might be just everything I have inside me that starts to come to the surface. Whatever it is, I'm tired.
And I cried a lot. So funny I could be what I wanna be here, and among all the beautiful adjectives I can choose, I chose to be honest to people about my feelings. And it feels so weird to know how I've changed in the last two months. Have you ever felt so sick of yourself that you wish you could disappear forever? You want yourself to be like this and that and you want yourself to do this and that and not to do this and that but instead, things happened and there you are, surrounded by all the things you know you'd lose yet feeling so used and so attached to them. Have you ever imagined to lose something that means a lot to you? Have you ever thought about how hard it would be for you to accept it? Have you ever wondered how it would end up?
All the scary thoughts always haunt me almost every day now. It confuses me. And scares me and freaks me out. And what do I do when I'm afraid? I scream with no voice, and people notice. When they start to ask, I become the adjective I chose to be. And they might try to comfort me but it wouldn't last long because no one can comfort me but myself, but I just can't at the moment. I'm flying away and I'm lost in the crowd.
Apparently I can only choose one option between swimming further to the ocean and enjoy the wave while I know it's not safe, or just watch the beauty from distance.
falling never hurts, landing does.