It's been years

Birds chirping, sun's shining, a lovely day it seems. 

The Meddle song wakes me up well. I continue to sing as drops of water wash off the stupid thoughts I had from yesterdays. A brand new day, a brand new start, or so I hope. A fresh beginning, to say the least, considering everything just seems normal, like for the first time they seem to be on the right place. 

My flatmate's left already. Pretty early for a Saturday morning. She said last night that she'll be out of town visiting her parents this weekend, to which I envied for mine are million miles away. I haven't seen them for ages, think it might be just wonderful if I call them now. I'll give a little surprise. 

Computer's all set, I log on to the needed site. But wow, I'm surprised that I'm actually the one getting surprised. You're online, and you're years later than the actual time I wished you were. Suddenly, all the hopes I have for today break into million tiny pieces that I can't grab, leaving me with a weird grumpy feeling. I hate that the birds are chirping. I wish the sun doesn't shine today. All I want right now is the cumulonimbus, the only thing I think will make it complete. If I have to be all blue, at least the weather supports. 

So I lay under my duvet, listen to the silence. My mind wanders again to that exact date and time, where I marked my sign on your pure heart, where you blemished me from blemishing you. My heart tries to deny that it happened. I want to forget because I can't forgive. I have, for years, thought that I've done those two. Until this very morning. 

You're still online and I'm still watching you, hoping I could get a bit of hints that I was looking for. If only I had a way to tell you that I closed the curtains of my room, creating a dark, peaceful place to grieve and reminisce. I thought I've dusted you off of my mind, locked in a box out on safe distance, where I couldn't reach and I shouldn't really. I thought wrong again, and it's been years. 

I can hear the clock ticking in between the constant battle of my sane and insane thoughts. It must've been hours now, and you're going off. Finally, few more hours of not talking to each other. Not a big deal knowing what we've done the last couple of years. Just a few more hours spent to wish I was brave enough to apologise, powerful enough to erase the flaws, strong enough to make it a laugh. It's been years, and I'm still hoping you'd let me walk in your shoes. 

I still wish you'd know the effect of seeing a sign that you're still alive on me. I've spent these hours wishing, being hopeful but feeling hopeless. I wish you'd know, that my hand's been dancing on awful lots of pages of paper, arranging the beautiful words that my mouth would never spit out, all because I still wish you'd change your mind. 

And it's been years.