The Letters That I'll Never Send #4

Your eyes were the first thing I saw when I think of home.

And I suddenly feel so small and powerless and useless like the person I always am. I thought it's so unfair to keep surrounding myself with people that make me feel like shit, pardon my language. But I've had my time thinking, and I've come to a conclusion; I feel shit because I am, and it's you I should look for to make me feel better.

I know how sad you'd be if you knew things I've been through. I've claimed myself lost, and I know I'm stupid because I kept on thinking of the big things that I forgot it's the small things that make things big. And you're always there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore. You're always there, reminding me of things you think I'd be great at, reminding me of my responsibilities I kept on neglecting because all I could think about was we don't share the same vision, ergo you don't know what's best for me. I still think we see the world differently, but I can't lie to myself anymore that time does the same thing to us. I'm too busy finding myself that I forgot everything I've found needs maintenance too. And you've been there since I wasn't even here, and I feel stupid to have forgotten how important it is to love you.

Love, such a big word, innit? I don't know what it is, I kind of don't want to know right now. But I see yourself in me, and I wanna hate and thank you at the same time. I thought it's not my fault that I'm like this. Life is a force for everyone, no one's ever asked to be born. But I made a mess and I couldn't clean it. I've been running around in circle, not asking for help but trying to run away and forget. I couldn't, I was trapped inside the walls I built to protect my damaged soul. That's when I heard your voice calling me, sounding so sincere that you don't care what kind of monster I've become.

I want to have a new start, learning how to love again, learning how to be good. I want to see you looking so proud when you hear my name.

I want to go where you are and feel safe there.

I want to go home.