The Letters that I'll Never Send #6

Hugs,
(Can I open this with hugs?),

I am captured in a moment between two things I'm too afraid to type here, that I can't quite delineate. It is something that wakes me up forthwith in the morning, and something that keeps me up all night. It is something I should probably never keep, because it stays in the inside of my brain, perhaps has already built a more permanent abode so that it is even harder for me to forget. And it is something that makes me rather proud of myself for not being mental already... because every cloud has a silver lining.

Among all the things I really need to think about, this perfect visualisation of what's been on my literal dreams pops up in my head. And it's always about you, the thing I always say I don't need and the thing I'm too afraid to think about. Same thing. I've been here before, I've done it again. It's very confusing because it can be very constructive and destructive at the same time. Like, I know that in a few months there is no other possibility but for myself to see this crush to bit. Yet, I keep on thinking that I still can enjoy it while it lasts, creating my own delusion that dupes me for being the naïve little kid that I maybe really am. This delusion however, has always successfully tricked me into thinking that there is a chance somehow, and mine is pretty good. I think about what you did to me, what you brought me to, how you made my day and how you made me 'look forward to Monday to', as I chronicled simultaneously (mostly in the conversations I have with myself. Talk about being mental..), and your perplexing motive that I can't deduce plays an even bigger role in driving myself crazy.

In a positive way, if this still sounds sane enough. You bring a lot of good things, in spite of me. You colour my rather black and white sphere, with a lot of shades and tints and hues with perfect saturation, the kind I've never seen before. You bring out the best in me, help me unleash my potential that I thought was dead, with dying me. You make me want to live, more than just merely exist. I hear from within me a little bit more than a rhythmic beat every time you're around. Without me realising, I have triumphantly pieced myself together again, and it feels so positive I feel like wrapping my arms around you and never let go. Nevertheless, I know that you, like everything else that matters, won't last. And so again I'm babbling about me being imprisoned in my own agony.

"No, I think you've explained yourself clearly."
What if, just if, one day I could stop thinking too much, would you still believe me if I said I loved you?

So good night, beautiful thing. If in a few months I finally, voluntarily or forcefully, let you walk out the door, I will let you know that I'm not gonna die watching the moon and the night marry nevermore.

With the scenarios I have in my head,
Come back.

The Letters that I'll Never Send #5

Three weeks and you've already made your way all the way to this stupid letter.

First off, I need to tell you how great it made me feel to spend the last 3 weeks with you, even though my stupid expressionless face doesn't really show it. I admit, sometimes I wish I could redo our conversations just so I could be sure that you don't get the wrong impressions. Because this is all about impressions, another confession, I've been trying to impress you. It's hard and tricky because I don't want you to know I'm trying, and if that's too readable I hope you don't think I'm too desperate. Maybe I am though, a bit, but hey let's not focus on that and let me finish my letter, okay?

So yeah, I will just go ahead being sweet now because I know there's no other way I could really say it. This isn't even a real letter and I know you won't even read it, but I'm sure this will at least make one of us feel better. You are so amazing, I'm sure a lot of people have told you that. Beautiful and smart and fun and charming, how can one have all the package? And I love hearing your stories because I love seeing your face when you talk, and also because I can learn a lot from them (therefore I need to hear more!). I love seeing your face when we argue, when you disagree with what I'm saying. I feel like, you appreciate what I have and you show it (with your endless expressions that I surely don't have), and it makes me sad thinking that I might give you the wrong impression when you said something hilarious and I was just sitting there smiling stupidly as if I wasn't interested. But again, I'm thinking of what impressions you got from me all the times and that's because that's just how much I want to know you more.

I hope before 4 months this will stop because I don't want to keep the butterflies inside my tummy. Maybe they've already started growing now and I know eventually I'll have to kill them all. But if in 3 weeks so much could happen, who knows what 4 months will bring? I don't even know why I have to follow the society standard because I know, the more I'm doing this, the bigger this admiration will get. And I need to stop.

And this is the part that I hate the most: The Unless. Of course, I need to stop unless you don't want me to stop. I need to stop unless you want to keep doing this with me, to fulfil my curiosity and to help me get away from my stupid guilt of thinking the unnecessary things. I think too much. I know you do too and I know how you get rid of it. But I can't, or maybe I don't want to. Because most of them is about you. And I hate it so much that by letting The Unless stands, it means that I'm actually depending my feelings upon you, upon another human being that it gives me less control of myself. I don't sound too sweet anymore now, do I?

But okay, let me finish this letter with my harmless sweetness again (the kind that you might like because this doesn't involve any real sugar). I can't show you what I feel but I can tell you how I feel now. I don't normally like it when I lose an argument, but I (have gone crazy for the last couple of days that I) have had imaginary arguments with you inside my head, and I always let you win. I have spent my nights thinking of you and when I look outside my window I see the moon, and it has the same colour with your eyes and maybe it's just another excuse for me to think of you. And I think I'll be happy just to be the small stars, giving you the stage, surrounding your presence, and complimenting your charm. Now I hope you know how much you mean to me, and it's only been three weeks!

The Letters That I'll Never Send #4

Your eyes were the first thing I saw when I think of home.

And I suddenly feel so small and powerless and useless like the person I always am. I thought it's so unfair to keep surrounding myself with people that make me feel like shit, pardon my language. But I've had my time thinking, and I've come to a conclusion; I feel shit because I am, and it's you I should look for to make me feel better.

I know how sad you'd be if you knew things I've been through. I've claimed myself lost, and I know I'm stupid because I kept on thinking of the big things that I forgot it's the small things that make things big. And you're always there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore. You're always there, reminding me of things you think I'd be great at, reminding me of my responsibilities I kept on neglecting because all I could think about was we don't share the same vision, ergo you don't know what's best for me. I still think we see the world differently, but I can't lie to myself anymore that time does the same thing to us. I'm too busy finding myself that I forgot everything I've found needs maintenance too. And you've been there since I wasn't even here, and I feel stupid to have forgotten how important it is to love you.

Love, such a big word, innit? I don't know what it is, I kind of don't want to know right now. But I see yourself in me, and I wanna hate and thank you at the same time. I thought it's not my fault that I'm like this. Life is a force for everyone, no one's ever asked to be born. But I made a mess and I couldn't clean it. I've been running around in circle, not asking for help but trying to run away and forget. I couldn't, I was trapped inside the walls I built to protect my damaged soul. That's when I heard your voice calling me, sounding so sincere that you don't care what kind of monster I've become.

I want to have a new start, learning how to love again, learning how to be good. I want to see you looking so proud when you hear my name.

I want to go where you are and feel safe there.

I want to go home.

The Letters that I'll Never Send #3

Hey there. 

If there's one word to describe what I feel about you, it's disgust. You disgust me in so many ways, and though I feel guilty about it, I can't help it. 

When people say nice things about you, I try really hard not to show my disgusted face. When you try to be nice to me, I question myself why I can't stop feeling disgusted. You're probably not aware of that, but really, you need to stop doing what you do. But that doesn't sound fair to you, does it? That's why, I have to step back because I can't tell you right away that you're disgusting. 

Pardon my word honey, but I've had enough of holding that feeling. It's tiring, especially because you don't seem to know that it bothers me so much what you did. And I don't want you to ask me either. I want to just leave it like that, because no matter how I think you're disgusting, I might not be any better. And instead of having both of us thinking of negative things of each other, we still have that option to just fuck off of each other's life and just be a stranger to each other. That's probably better. 

And oh, stop being so pathetic. It disgusts me even more. X

The Letters That I'll Never Send #2

Oh, you.

From the very first time I had the idea of writing these letters, I knew that I'd write for you at least once. That's just how important you are for me. Were, to be exact. I'd love to tell you in details how the whole thing had shaped me who I am now, but you might not have the time for that. Just like the old time, I know. In fact I've grown to know you very well during the time I couldn't seem to. Isn't it what you wanted?

I also know there's no point of me asking the never ending questions I always have, again as you said it. I already have the answers by now, by learning you, observing from afar. That makes me sound creepy. But well if it's not time to ask, it's time to tell you something.

If we were to blame anyone or anything, it wasn't you. It wasn't your fault to do what you did and though your reasons sounded so irrational at that time, if I were you I'd probably do the same thing. I'll just let you know that despite everything I had(ve) that might trick you and other people into thinking that I'm something I'm not, I'm also a human. I make mistakes and sometimes too often I find it hard to let go of my mistakes. But that doesn't mean I didn't learn. Once I was lost in the middle of my thinking process and I stopped and laughed for how stupid I've been all this time. I know now, I'm flawed too, like everyone in this world. And if it's not okay for me to accept that fact, I'll take as much time as I need to learn. Only, I'll always remember losing you were the price I had to pay for that.

The Letters that I'll Never Send #1

I have to say I'm not the best at expressing feelings. I have to go through some kind of media, and writing letters is one. Here I'd start another label called The Letters that I'll Never Send, the title says it all. Just in case someone ever bumped in here and read, it wouldnt hurt to guess a little. And here's the first entry:

The Letters that I'll Never Send #1

Let's not exaggerate and let me be blatantly honest to you right now.

When you left I thought that was it. That was the end. No more anything I could wish would be real. You weren't there, you were out of my life. You'd never imagine how miserable I felt about myself. I'd lock myself in my room, looking through all the pictures and everything that reminded me of you. I thought to myself, how could I love again if it wasn't you?

Days after you left, boy was I so stupid. I mourned, I saw you from the distance and all I could think of was that your smiles were never addressed to me anymore. Your scent that I adored, your short haircut I could never get enough to touch at the end of the day, your hand when it held mine. How could it be right if it was all wrong?

But you know how time magically works like those anti-infection ointments. It hurt like hell, yet I recovered. Our moments were gone, they left through the back door I never knew existed. Our pictures didn't mean anything anymore. Memories, they change as time goes by. In fact, your smiles I saw from far away are the ugliest I've seen. Your haircut is stupid, and your hand doesn't seem manly. I can only think of your bad side and I know this isn't right either. 

It's been so many days after you left. Instead of be cool and all yet I'm here, writing this letter I've never sent. You're the first, the shamely-admitted inspiration. I'm not sure why. Maybe because your ugly smiles, your stupid haircut, and your feminine hands don't mean a thing like if it was pretty or cool or manly. They all don't mean anything anymore. The only thing that makes sense is that whatever kind of history there was in my life, you were part of it. I just think that it's nice, somehow necessary, to look back to learn the mistakes like all the clichés are about. I learned a lot today.