This Christmas

Christmas is approaching. People start to decorate their trees. The lights, the fancy ornaments, the stars, all the happiness that follows. And we're here, locked in a room with our separateness. Far away from the crowd, we sit on each side of the bed, looking down. The tears that secretly stream down our faces form a little pond down the floor. 

A second, a minute, an hour, we lose count of time. Every moment we spend waiting goes right to waste. Why do candles share their lights only to find themselves burned down? The never ending questions, they come back to us like thirst finds a fountain. 

The church bells ring, the people sing. The joy that's been awaited has arrived to people's heart. But not us. In the holy night, we have nothing to celebrate. 

If you go away

"If you go away on a summer day, then you might as well take the sun away. 
All the birds that flew in the summer sky when our love was new and our hearts were high. 
When the day was young and the night was long, and the moon stood still for the night birds' song. 
If you go away...
But if you stay, I'll make you a day like no day has been or will be again. 
We'll sail on the sun, we'll ride on the rain, we'll talk to the trees, and worship the wind. 
But if you go, I'll understand. Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand. 

If you go away, as I know you must, there'll be nothing left in this world to trust. 
Just an empty room filled with empty space, like the empty look I see in your face. 
I would've been the shadow of your dog if it might've kept me by your side. 
If you go away..."

If you go away/Ne me quitte pas, Jacques Brel.

And I feel a little too embarrassed, and shy, and awkward, and happy, and confused, and worried, and a lot of other feelings I can't even describe. But I'm glad, for finally I feel those again, after a long time. And I don't know if I should thank you or stay away from you, because you will go. If only you knew you're the reason I look forward to Monday to.

So you know why I always end up with a blank paper

Meine Finger aufhören zu tanzen, wenn ich an dich denke.

Remember

Remember by Christina Rossetti (if anyone still cares, I wasn't thinking about death).

Remember me when I am gone away,
  Gone far away into the silent land;
  When you can no more held me by the hand
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
  You tell me of our future that you planned:
  Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
  And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
  For if the darkness and corruption leave
  A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
  Than that you should remember and be sad.

~~

Remembering is a humanly function sometimes I wish I couldn't operate. Like when I was doing something fun and suddenly remembered that I have homework to do. Or when I was perfectly happy then I remembered I did such an embarrassing thing. And when I was ok and I remembered I was really stupid.

But ok, just sometimes.

Sometimes it feels good to remember that I know a lot of good people. And it's good to remember that I've been to lovely places. And it's always good to remember that love's around the corner.

Oh I hate that phrase.

But it's the things I relate to that I hate, all from remembering. Though sometimes it's also unpleasant when I can't remember things when I have to. Like when I couldn't remember where I parked my car.
Or when I couldn't remember when the last time I went to the dentist. Also when I couldn't remember what the answer to the question was.

Apart from that,

I have to remember that forgetting is also a humanly function that plays the same role. Only when it hurts to remember or to forget will I realise the value of them.

Things

I am many things.

Estrogen, crazy bitches. I had so much fun today; got the book I wanted, spent lovely time with my sister watching a concert, the concert was wicked. I had fun yesterday and today and now look at the state of me, feeling faceless. 

I am many things, some of which, if not most, I hate. A complete fool and a total mess sometimes, well-hidden underneath my emotionless face. I'm a woman of ambitions too, and that scares the living being out of me sometimes. My obsessions take over my rational thoughts sometimes. My love for people, which I never really show, scares me too sometimes. 

I am many things. My ridiculous nonsensical fears towards things that shouldn't matter makes me paranoid. My sense of humour makes me mean. My quick respond to every stupid line makes me horrible. My restless mind makes me impatient. Everything I touch turns wrong sometimes. 

I've just had another thing to add to the list. Something that should be a worldwide mark of liberation, yet it doesn't make me feel as good as it sounds. I'm still the same shitty being as always, never really gonna change I guess. But I think it's time to start accepting these many things that aren't so good, so that if I really was a horrible human being, at least I wouldn't have a hard time believing someone would understand, because if I could, then everybody could. I am many things, sadly I'm not different and special enough. 

Perspectives

People have been telling me you're not worth it,

and I tried to let it sink in me 

days, weeks, months.

Not worth it, true, what I did.

You're still there, as always. 

I've lived with my open wounds,

think I'm getting used to it already. 

Until you showed up, again,

did your crazy illusion game again

smoothly, cleverly. 

How can I not be sure that

we are a bad idea,

when all you did is just appeared from out of nowhere,

talked to me as if you wanted me too,

and left again

for the thousandth times?

I can't buy what you offer anymore. 

I'm too weak for that now.

And I don't know if you know

that it's not okay messing around with people's head

and feelings, if you believe in that. 

I don't know what kind of mental thoughts you've been having lately,

you certainly won't let me know either,

and I don't wanna guess. 

I'm done guessing what you want. 

I'm done predicting our future,

ad if it'd ever exist. 

I know this sounds stupid and selfish and all that,

but I only want one thing from you now. 

To be honest I want you to disappear,

but I know that's irrational and not possible. 

I just want you 

to be okay. 

Because clearly,

that what keeps you off of me. 

I'm only there when you're not okay,

and it sort of hurts me

knowing I can't even help you to feel better.

So please,

be okay,

so I don't have to feel your presence

anymore.

On Death

I just realised that most books I've read (and liked) have something to do about death. And it leads me to a question, does death scare me? 

Not that I'm not scared of death (nor I'm scared of it). It's just that I realised (just recently. In fact I was just thinking about it as I stopped reading John Green's Looking for Alaska for a while because it got too depressing for me to take and I didn't want to look teary because I was in a moving train surrounded by strangers. Spoiler much?), it's something real. And it also got me thinking about my very own, that no matter how busy I am right now trying on every verb possible for me to do, to die will be the last verb I'm doing. 

Maybe it's too shallow to think that death will be the end. No living person could ever tell what happens after we die, and it just occurs to me that how powerless we all really are and how greedy we are to try to know everything. Ok I'm talking about me, how greedy I feel like right now. I've lived my years of life having weird curiosity and it normally scares the shit out of me not to know the answers of my questions. But what is the point of questioning humans greed if its just another indication of being human? Greed is a part of myself as a human. Just like my body parts and my soul and the unthinkable adjectives and the labels I'm not supposed to think about. And if I die while I'm still full of greed, chasing the things I probably don't need and wanting to have the things I probably don't deserve, I'd be dying as a human just as other people would. So what difference would it make if each of us will finally blend in with the ground having our flesh rotten, feeding the big fat worms we once were disgusted about, and finally be forgotten because unfortunately, another inseparable function of a human is to forget, despite how much we want to remember everything? 

Maybe I know. Right now, death doesn't scare me as much as the uncertainty of the future does. Death itself is uncertain too, I know. But maybe I've just been too busy trying to be alive.

Obsession

I'm obsessed. This time it's so annoying.

Give me some lilies, and a well-scented peaceful corner.
I want to write, I want to disappear.
Routines, they're boring aren't they?
I'm seeing these faces,
but I see the reflection of mine in theirs.
Looking for an answer,
deep down their enthusiastic eyes.
I feel like stopping.
It's scary, isn't it?
Time's ticking and not knowing where to go,
is just as bad as not having the courage
to say it's tiring.
Smiles are for the pretenders.
Tears are way cooler.
But no I can't, can I?
The guards will be disappointed.
Those little guys,
whom I feed every now and then.
And what about the pretty castle
that takes years to build?
It's pretty, isn't it?
Oh, look at the ornament.
A masterpiece I'd say.
Perfection,
for my very own admiration.
I'm not letting anyone in.
The guards will push them away
even before they reach the main gate.
But what is happiness when it's never shared?
What's perfection if imperfection is more realistic?
Right, we're back at that peaceful corner again.
The lilies are here,
and they're well-scented.
My obsession is still here,
I can't distract myself enough.
Maybe next time I should try to fly.
Or jump.
Or run away.
Or, I don't know.
Maybe find another peaceful corner
where I can be friends,
good friends,
with my own self.

Party's Over

They go all metaphor, they say all the things they never mean, they put bitterness into their words, because it's easier that way, isn't it? Because twisting the plot, making mysteries, is easier than to tell the truth? Because nobody really cares and nothing matters but themselves. Well guess what, party's over.

The party is fucking over.

Please Come Home

I look up and see the moon
It treats the night like a lady
There I sense your presence
It never felt as real;
I find myself craving you
I find you hiding in the back of my mind

I want to cry because it's not happening

Your touch, I still remember
You held my hand and I felt safer
All the nice things you said,
I need you to comfort me again
I don't want the sun to come
I just want to be the woman of the night

I want you to say it's true

I'll always be here, I promise
Though times are tough sometimes I'd give up
I'll set a camp out here if that makes you feel better
It is tonight I'm mad you've disappeared
After all there's no goodbyes addressed to me
I didn't sign for this!

I miss you so much you won't know it's real

Beneath my calm surface I feel my blood boiled
I'd dance to your music but I'd be alone
I'd break the door but you won't be there
One is a lonely number yet two is too far away
I'd look at my shadows but they won't look back
They long for you, and they stay that way

I hope you'll find your way back
I hope you'll realise we share the same stars
And I'll tell you;
I don't need to stare deep into my soul,
I don't need to search for you there

Because I found you everywhere

The bush of flowers hides your smiles
The sound from afar whispers your laughter
I find the pictures of us in my heart
And I try to knock on its door,
Hoping for you to show up and let me in

But it's my heart and it's not yours

I pity myself to let you steal it
Now I'm locked outside and you're not home yet

I miss you so much
Please, come home

Exhaustion

I was exhausted, my head was spinning. But something I like kept me up.

"Giving company is better than giving news. Meeting is better than missing." Someone asked and was surprised. Time was ticking, slowly, but it was. Yet nothing appeared. Silence wrapped the night perfectly. I took a book, tried to kill the time though it was innocent. The journey was good, but at times like that, mind had its own.

Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe it's only my imagination. Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe.

The maybes made me tired even more. The hopes went down bit by bit, disappointment started to climb. Until finally, the negativities won. After one thousand last times checking, goodbyes sent.

A Play

We're on a play. You see?
We don't know how it started. Just when we realised, we both are working on the script.
It's supposed to be never ending.
Like, I will add on something I'll say, then you add more to your part.
Continually. It should never stop.
I'll say something too much sometimes, then I'll feel bad about it.
But then you'll fill in and say something more to balance it up.
And it becomes a routine.
Maybe sometimes there will be a writer's block or something.
But hey, we got all the time! The world is our stage.
Time is unlimited and it's just a concept.
We're a pro at this, it's not that big a deal.
We can stop sometimes for a while, get rid of the script we've been working on, get a fresh air but know what? We're gonna get back on the game.
Or to be exact, you can stop sometimes.
I won't, though.
I'm not saying I'm a better writer or a better player or anything.
I'm just a little more impatient ok?
But it's also not that big a deal.
I know you're always going back after your rest.
But hey, will you promise me something?
Don't take a break for too long, ok?
We got a play here.

Us, a fiction

"So what is it now? You're not gonna tell them? Again?", she asked with her bossy style. I never liked it, but this time she was right. I'm never gonna be able to say it. They would never know because I'm never gonna tell.

"Why are you always doing this? You think if you just keep it to yourself, people would be better off? No, you're wrong and God, you always are!", she continued her speech as if it was gonna change my mind. Then she stopped talking and looked into my eyes. So deeply I didn't even see her blinking.

"Look, I just wanted to make sure that you're alright, okay? I didn't mean to scare you or anything. You know it.", she started to change the pitch of her voice as she tried to get my trust this time.

"But you know I'm not.", I finally had the chance to speak. "You know I'm not okay and there's no way I could be if I told them", I continued. She sighed as she turned her head away, finding a possibly more interesting object to see than this helpless, powerless soul with a pair of mournful eyes. These eyes that once begged her to stop saying all those mean things, the same eyes that convinced her to be mean in another time.

"I'm not sorry to say this. I think you're the biggest coward I've ever encountered in my life, despite everything people say about you. I think you're just, you're lost, and you know it, but you're so afraid to try to find a way out that you just let yourself getting lost forever. You don't even wanna ask for help. Congratulations, that's where your pride takes you". I'm not surprised that she could be that direct. After years living with her, how could I not love her for blatantly saying the things I'm always afraid to say about me?

But what is love, I never really got it. All I know was I wanted to punch her so bad, straight in the face, or to just get rid of her forever, for being way too mean at times I was even lower than the ground. I wanted to shut her mouth up with my silence that she never has, and get myself in peace without her radical emotional thoughts interfering my logical senses. I wanted to do it so bad that I started to get really scared. Because when I looked at her, I looked at myself. The eyes I used to look at her eyes are the same eyes she used to look at mine. Our hearts beat the same rhyme because scientifically speaking, they're the same. Another question that almost drives me crazy, how come we think differently if we share the same body?

But I know, before I could say a word, she'd come and tell me with her bossy style that I'm a coward for never telling people about us.

On Love

I've been writing pages of fiction story recently. I want to fall in love.

Random Rants

"I think it's true, you can be scary sometimes. Scary as in, how harsh you can be to yourself, and what's inside your head".


It was raining all day. Perfect, to add to the constant battle inside my mind. There was no better time to philosophise everything than a few-minute stop out of traffic I passed by to get to work.

But c'est la vie say the people from the west. Whatever, says another. Aren't we all going to die in the end? It shouldn't matter whether we understand or not, whether we like or enjoy it or not, it will pass somehow and it won't matter. But I'm a stubborn kid, a very impatient one. Everything needs to have an answer or else, I'd go crazy in trying to finding them. And I know what I need now. I need to be told that I'm fine, and I need to slow down. My previous journey taught me one thing; listening is important.

And by listening, it's not always to listen to other people's problems and take a note. Not always to be present to hear any news from them. Sometimes all it takes is to listen to the tiny details, to the insignificant or even somehow the irrelevant little things that make big things. Sometimes they're forgotten, and sometimes the forgotten things are the most important ones.



"If we run out of things to say
I promise I won't make you feel bad
We'll just roll the windows down
We'll drive around this town
and be."

Be - Daley

Or more like, if I run out of things to say, I promise I won't make you feel bad. I'd love to listen to your rants, and analyse you, and get lost in my thoughts of you, while you drive around this town. But I'd tell you, how much I love listening to you, and that I'm just weird I won't talk until I feel enough. But one thing that normally happens, you can't even stop me from talking, and being fun, and smiling, and excited for telling you stupid things, when I like you.

Soul-searching

Posting from Manila now, waiting for the next flight to Seoul. Day 3 of the whole trip, got quite a lot of life lessons already.

First, always make plan B. my friend lost her baggage today from the plan, and everything's in there. Now that she has to wait for her baggage to be delivered (which hopefully will happen, though I'm not really sure about that), she doesn't have anything to wear for tomorrow. So I take it as a lesson that when travelling, have at least a pair of clothes in your hand-carry bag. Just in case.

That's probably the only serious part of the journey of today. The rest were more like a self-reflection for me. Being together with a person for a while and having to handle the difficulties coming from how different we are brought me to a conclusion of what kind of a person I am and I've become. (For the record, I've been doing the soul-searching thing lately, to know who I am. Lol seriously). And what's funny is that maybe it's never changed all this time. I'm still the same old grumpy person who never really tells people the grumpiness explicitly. Along with my flat face, people won't really know know when I like them so much or I hate them so much.

With that being said, another thing is that I'm a very extreme person. I like you or I don't like you. Never I don't really like you or I kinda like you. And that makes a huge different on how I think of you and how I treat you. And that's not important for you but it is very important for me. I'm still learning how to show affection and how to make people get the right impression of what I'm doing and how I'm feeling for them. So yeah, I'm so extreme :|

Thirdly, I think too much more than I should, which most of the times gets me into trouble that I created. And I feel bad for what I think though maybe sometimes I have the right to think of a bad thing of someone because of what they do. Does that make me inconsistent?

And I'm possessive. It's probably the worst of all. When I care about people, I do. And that means they have to know. And when they know I'm not really an affectionate person, how do you think they will know? Right, go figure.


On a completely unrelated note, Seoul in a few hours and I'll be reuniting once more! Yaay!

Dreams

I'd like to know what my dreams mean, okay? Enough with the freaky thing you're calling, I got them enough from my sisters. Lol jks, it's alright call me freak all you like because maybe I really am.

Anyway I'm currently having final weeks and when I was done with the first week, I went out of town with a friend and procrastinated my responsibility to study until yesterday when I started to think that I'm running out of time to do everything. To study, to start packing up, to spend time with my leaving friends, and so on and so forth before finally leaving to the jetted life this friday. Ok not jetted life, whatever.

And yeah onto the topic, I was trying to study last night and it was so tiring that I decided to sleep early and planned to wake up earlier the next day (which is today) to study. Yaay to the plan, of course I couldn't wake up early to study. But I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream where in my dream I failed two of my exams and my friends were all like 'aww, poor thing' and it felt so real because I saw their faces when saying that and it just felt as if they really would say that if I really failed. Then I woke up and realised that one of the exams I failed hasn't even been tested so I was sure it was just a dream. And knowing how much of a little insecure freak I am, I looked it up on google to find out what failing a test dream might mean and discovered that it might not be related to the test, it just shows unreadiness in general, which I think I am, knowing all this running out of time thing I've been thinking of lately. Then I told my sister later and she was all like 'what a freak you believe in that?'. Yeah, I was a little... scared.

And other than running out of time, I'm running out of money as well. Blah. There goes another 20 minutes well-wasted.

Mini Fiction : When You Stopped Talking

" 
Don't stop, please don't. 

Someday somehow you'll know how hard it is for me to bring up something to talk about, and how grateful I am to find out that you're more talkative than I thought you are, and how scared I am to realise when you stopped talking, you're probably gonna walk away too far from my touch.

So here I am trying to arrange my stupid little words together to steal a bit of your attention, but I suck big time and I'm not sure if you have a clue about that. My phone kills me when it doesn't show up your name. I look at it over and over again and instead of just talking to you right away, my selfish and stupid ego brought me to another place where you definitely can't reach. And I'm mad at how I act, I can't take you with me here and I can't penetrate your world if every time you stopped talking I become cranky like this. 

What I don't understand is you create an idea in my head that I can rely on you, and you act as if you mean everything you say, then you stopped talking. And I started to think that I'm a really weird person for I feel so insecure when people stopped talking to me. That maybe something is really wrong with me and it's very obvious that even strangers won't say nice things to me. That maybe I really am a very selfish person for I'd beg to hear from you but you rarely hear anything from me. But you always give the impression that you don't mind it, and that gets my hopes up and it's so wrong.

So don't stop talking, please don't. It's a routine, my routine if not ours, and you can't just quit like that. 
"


The best time to be inspired to write is of course when you have finals the day after.

Impression

I'm a little sad.

I was doing my assignment today and it went all unbalanced and shit and it got me so frustrated I almost died, but then dad came home and helped me out and in a minute (or maybe 2), it went all well. I love him so much I could die (in the literal meaning if he didn't come save me up).

And then as always I was talking to my friend and this time it was about impression and how people try hard to impress while actually, sadly they don't matter that much to other people. And that led me to think that damn right, as I was talking to her, I created an impression on her, and so did she, but I was all afraid that I created such a bad impression that's too stupid and unimportant that I won't tell here, but that got me thinking again whether I'm not I flunk into that category of people who want to impress. That, or that it's actually natural for human wanting to impress other people. Maybe the difference is the dose, the amount of their needs to impress.

But then again:
"Personally I think you should not waste your time with thinking about that unless you want to analyse that stuff and write an publish a paper about that to make money out of it" - Alexa.

Fuck I still have 4 papers to go.

Blog Post Over Papers

Life's worth enjoying even when the stupid things take over.

I'm inspired to write here again, because you know, I'm supposed to write 3 papers this week and I'm awesome that way.

Anyway, I've been talking to these people continuously lately and I'm amazed by how much I can learn from them. It's actually just some random conversations about their lives and mine and knowing the fact that we face different things and we have different definitions of problems, it makes me realize how interesting it is to see things from different perspectives before taking a (possibly wrong) conclusion out of something if I didn't really know the other perspectives.

Another thing, I feel like I'm completely obliged to be a family man (wait I'm not a man...), a family lady, because having my two sisters being free and by free I mean they've just graduated and have nothing to do in particular and they're almost always home now is fun as I never thought it would be. We discussed a lot and it's so funny for me knowing that I never really felt like I was that close to them, but now it's changed a little bit to a better thing. And I'm also amazed by how stupid they can act (seriously haha), and how different their points of view from mine are even though we were raised by the same people. And one day we were talking about our future plans and one of my sisters was like 'I want to spend a lot of time with mum and dad before they're gone', and that kind of hit me hard because they all know how badly I want to go out of here and start a new great life that of course isn't here. And then she told me that mum once said that she wants dad to take her travelling and stuff and I was like 'one day I'll send them tickets to travel to my place' and she was like completely blown away and was like 'I WANT THAT TOO!'. Yes, my sisters are stupid :')

And I miss someone, fml. And I'm a little afraid of my journey next month because up until now I still don't know where to stay and I'm still unsure of whether or not I'll go solo. I've actually planned the whole trip with a friend but she's been so weird I can't understand and she doesn't seem like she seriously wants to go even though she's purchased the tickets. So I'm not sure, I'll just wait until I got my visa to start to consider everything more seriously, which is tomorrow.

Also, happy to announce that I'm fully distracted, which is good, yet I now have another obsession, which is not so good.