Reasons not to whine

It's been a month!

I was about to whine how the first month there was so joyful and everything and how it was very uneventful here, but then I realized, no, there were actually a lot of things happened that I chose to ignore or I just wasn't as enthusiastic as I was before. And no, there's no reason to whine.

I'm still alive, I still have people around, I still have things to do, and excuses not to do some of them. And it feels great knowing I was missed, or that people would actually take time to listen to my stories, and seeing their faces receiving some small things I brought. It's time to be thankful, for I'm way richer now. I have more friends, here and there. I have more topics to talk about to these people. I have more experience to tell to whoever wants to listen.

Hate is a strong word

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind... or forgotten." Lilo & Stitch

I hate the fact that I need to get all blue to be productive to write here. 

But anyway, yes, I'm currently hating on everyone. The saddest part is I hate myself the most. And I'm questioning everything, and I'm mad because I can't find the most logical answers that I need the most.

All the whys come in almost the same time. I'm not ready for that, I'm not ready to go crazy...alone. I tried to tell my sister about what happened to me, what I did in the other place, and how excited I was in trying to tell her that. And she was.. meh. She didn't react the way I expected. I'm not even sure if she thinks it's cool. I ended up getting excited in front of someone who wasn't, which sucks. And I hated her for that. But I hated myself more for letting myself try telling that, while I actually knew there's a chance of her not getting why I got all excited. While I actually knew she'd be indifferent. And I lost my hope in humanity again.

Another thing, I met a friend. She told me exactly what I've been scared of all the times. And I couldn't feel relieved because it surprisingly and unexpectedly makes me feel sad. I don't even wanna think about it, but I'm hating myself for feeling that too. I feel lost, I don't feel like I'm home in my own home, and I don't know if I still have friends or if my friends still like me because I haven't really talked to anyone lately. And that my only friend doesn't even wanna talk to me like we used to.

And I've been telling myself that I have another family in the other place. But I guess I'm wrong. I quoted Lilo & Stitch above, just to comfort myself that it's actually gonna be ok. But I'm not sure it is. My other family has another life without me in it. They've been talking and talking about things I don't understand. And I hate myself for trying to understand, because no one will ever explain. Meanwhile here I feel foreign in my own family already. And I hate myself for being so stupid that I'm feeling foreign. 

I hate myself. Why am I here? Why do people know me but they don't talk to me? Why do I have to think that I'm alone, while I'm actually not? 

Bon Idée

There's absolutely something wrong with me. I suck at expressing my feelings, though there are times I feel like sharing. However tonight I'm happy to find this piece of art, which has similar situation with mine. The message is nicely delivered by Miss Spektor through her song Bon Idée.

Don't tell your secrets to anyone
Because ideas are vulnerable
As soon as you say your idea out loud
Then it can go and live on its own
And you will miss it oh so much
And you will wait for its return
And you will wish they were your own
But ideas that left never come back home

Don't tell your mother that you are afraid
Don't tell your lover that your heart might break
Don't tell your gods you no longer believe
Because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you
And you will miss them oh so bad
And you will wait for their return
And you will wish they were your own
But gods that have left you will never grace your home

I'm home

"I'm coming home I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday." - J. Cole - I'm Coming Home

It's been over a week since my iPod randomly played that song on the plane back home. I was a bit confused of what home is after all, I had one already back there in Seoul. And now it's been raining a lot here, it doesn't seem to wash away the pain from yesterday.

Ok not really the pain. And I don't want this memory to be washed either. Only I need to sync myself back in to the life I used to have before. I can say I haven't functioned properly here, I still think people need to understand that I just got back from a place far away from here and I need to readjust myself. But then, I saw a lot of people I used to see but didn't really pay attention to, and I realised that I didn't go for long. And even if I did, they just don't care because they might not know and even if they knew, it doesn't matter.

Also while I still think I need more time to adjust, that I still feel foreign though people don't know, I was actually exposed to my 'old stuff' already and I feel really weird. I know I'm used to it, but I feel like I used to be comfortable doing that. My mind flew to my other place easily, for everything seems to make me reminded of whatever everyone has done up there. I was in the middle of listening to a story of a friend, and I was thinking of what happened when I was being the one who was telling the story. I was also listening to another story of another friend, and I was thinking of listening to a similar story another friend up there has told me. And I felt bad later for being so easily distracted, though I wasn't really sorry for not really listening to these people's stories because I still think it was actually their time to listen. But then again, I don't really feel like talking because I know there's no point, they might be interested once but then, they won't know how exactly it makes me feel. Or even worse, I wouldn't really be able to express it well so it will be a very boring story. I don't know, I just feel like I need more time to be alone with my phone, connecting myself to the other place.

It makes me wonder, how long will it take for me to be normal again?