Party's Over

They go all metaphor, they say all the things they never mean, they put bitterness into their words, because it's easier that way, isn't it? Because twisting the plot, making mysteries, is easier than to tell the truth? Because nobody really cares and nothing matters but themselves. Well guess what, party's over.

The party is fucking over.

Stubbornness

"There's no use to find a key, if you don't have the heart to go"

If when my mum told me to do A I did B instead, what makes you think I'd do what you told me to?

As stubborn as I could be, other than from my boss, or parents, or someone who really has the capacity to tell me to do something and as long as I don't have other options I can make on my own, I rarely take an order. I'd always think that I can find the answers of all of my questions, and I like the process of finding them. It's like having to collect the pieces of puzzle from what people I talk to say, and from those pieces I can find my own definition of something and that's pretty much how it works when I decided to talk to people about what's happening to me, which is not that often. But don't get me wrong, I listen to people a lot and I learn a lot from hearing them, which isn't a common thing to do I suppose, for everyone wants to speak up.

But now every time I think I'm stubborn, I think again and remember that at least some particular person I know is way more stubborn. And knowing how annoying that could be, I stop being stubborn for a while and think that maybe that's the reason for me to ever met and knew this person.

And fuck, why is it this person again?

But anyway, the words I quoted and italicised above are parts of the lyrics of my friend's song that I wrote (I think it rhymes better in Indonesian). I made that for a reason too, and funny how things change. I listened to it again today and I almost laughed knowing how emotional I was when I made that, and now with a better perspective I see the same thing differently. I don't regret having experienced that though. It enriches me. Experience enriches people.

With that being said, the reason why I tend to procrastinate things become clearer as well. I do most of my things last minute, because tomorrow I'll have more experience than today. Wink.

Just another random day

Walk alone, sit alone, wander all alone. No big deal, I can do that.

Lunch time. Damn, cafeteria was full, no known faces.

Okay then, I can just take it out and eat in the toilet. Ha, an unfunny thought came. Wait, I'm not in Mean Girls or anything. I mean, I can eat it in my car.

Walked back to the parking lot, raining on the way. Holy shit.

Eat alone in a random place, in a hallway in front of class, on the floor, no big deal, I can do that.

Head Explosion

"I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty, and with every touch you fixed them."
Just Give Me a Reason - Pink


I don't know why this particular part of the song got stuck in my mind today. I'm not much of a person who thinks reputation is very important. Most of the time I don't care, really. But then again, knowing how ugly I am to certain people in a way deeper than just a physical appearance, I'm a little concerned. It's sad to know I let these certain people see the ugly parts of me, yet they don't give me chance to fix them.

And then I realized, I keep on coming back to that dirty little secret again whenever I can, because probably it's better to feel something than nothing at all. In fact, I was mad because I didn't have enough time to do and think of whatever I want, that includes finding a way out for every possible stupid question that lies in every single corner of my brain, and I was forced to do something I don't like instead. It was just too much pressure for me.

But it's like a cycle. When I'm busy, it upsets me because I don't have time to be alone. When I'm alone I can think of whatever but that scares me for I might do all the stupid things again. Not to mention that I'm almost always alone, more possibilities of thinking of the unnecessary things.

And then I saw this:
"As soon as a person falls in love, they lose 2 to 3 of their closest friends".
I don't wanna fall in love. Being alone too often really is scary.

News from the grumpy little lady

Too much pressures, brah....

This upcoming week I have to face 3 important and significant points of my life here:
1. Finals
2. Friends are leaving
3. Moving out of the dorm

And that means I have to study, and go out with my friends more often for this is their last week, and to get ready to pack up. How can I be able to pack up without help? More importantly, how will I manage to get all of these things into one luggage without any help?

But at least I have a free place to stay before leaving. And still friends to enjoy the moment with. And 3 more weeks. And a lot of things I should pay more attention to.

Shit just got real

It's true that it's easier to write when you're in your worst mood. And now I'm not.

Anyway it's getting closer to the end! Some of my classes have ended, which was kind of sad. I've never felt that sad to end a class before, well, never at all. And one of my professors was like 'for those who are going back to their countries, I hope we can meet again sometimes in the future'. And I have two upcoming, real, and difficult exams next week, while at the same time, two of my close friends are leaving right after I finish my exams. Tradeoff, priorities, shit just got real.

I also have to start packing up because next week, other than have to be ready to physically lose friends, I have to move out from the dorm. I thankfully have a floor to step in for free, thanks to my dear friends, but still, it's gonna be so.... weird. I can't believe I'm almost there. But yeah, I got time so why bother....

Now study. Next year I'll be dead taking all those shit alone. Whatever.

I am many things

If something so simple like the way someone speaks or acts can upset me without any particular reason, it's also very much possible the way I speak or act can upset someone.

~~~

I don't mean to sound like a hater, but I have no right not to make you think I am. It's just, sometimes I feel like I wanna say 'STFU' when someone says something because I think it's so annoying. Either because of what they're saying is not right, according to me, I've already heard/known before, or simply because of the way they say it. Or type it, whatever. Those who use foreign languages but fail all the times, those who think using foreign languages all the times indicates some kind of superiority or whatever they think it is, those who don't use foreign languages because they don't understand, are just one little example. Why foreign language? Don't ask me, I've just read the twitter timeline and funny how the things people say don't seem right to me.

Another thing is trashes! In my very personal opinion, no matter how good looking, charming, caring, or whatever that ends with -ing you are, you're so nothing if you don't put the trash (esp. ones you make) into the trash bin. Do you think those used tissues and face papers can walk themselves to the bin? Just so you know, yesterday my friends (yes, my close friends) were using face papers and they just threw it on the floor after, and when I asked them to take it back they said they didn't want to, and I, at the end, was being the one who take it off the floor and threw them to the bin. It was so gross and it really upset me. Happened to me several times that I have to throw them for you because you throw them in my car, I know it's messy but it's not a four-wheeled trash bin!

Back to the topic, however, I'm wondering if someone out there is thinking what I've been thinking of. I mean, it seems to me that I dislike everything and everyone easily recently and I sometimes can't find the reason why I don't like them (perhaps there really is no reason to hate). People can also hate me by seeing what I'm doing, listening to what I'm talking about, or even by looking at my face. I am hate-able. People would want to say STFU to me when I'm telling them a story and they find it boring, or when I say something they've already heard before, or just by standing there saying hi. Or people would think I'm trying to sound superior by using foreign language in the daily conversations, or by acting like the one who don't like seeing any dirts and therefore they conclude that I'm that hygienic person who's gonna yell at you every time you don't put your trash in the right place.

Well, I can't control your mind. It's okay for me to be hated as long as I don't walk alone. A hater, an ignorant, yes, I am many things. Is it also okay for me to hate people then?

I assume that no interviewer reads this

Please describe your SWOT (and heck this is the most difficult question ever).

It seems to me that this is the most popular question if I want to involve myself in almost everything. The problem is, I may be able to talk good shits about myself in other types of question but never this one. It's not that I'm such a horrible person that I'm afraid my weaknesses and threats are unbeatable and my strengths and opportunities sound too cliche. It's just, I never think that I'm good enough and I don't know yet how to overcome those weaknesses and threats. If I were the interviewer hearing people talking about them SWOT, I would personally think that it's a nonsense one can easily say how to overcome their weaknesses and threats while they are still doing it.

Ah, I sound (too) cynical (again). There are many assumptions of this and you can't blame me because my almost a year economic study teaches me to assume in every kind of situation. Perhaps this writing means I'm too 'mysterious' even me myself can't discover. Or I'm too bad that I don't think my strengths can beat my weaknesses. Or I'm too good that I can't think of any possible weaknesses I might have (err kidding). Or simply I'm too lazy to tell you what I have and would rather say 'come, hang around, and you'll see' (to quote: Britney's good old song: sometimes). Whatever it is, I don't like the above question and I know I can't skip it in order that I can pass the selection because I'm thinking about my CV now and how good it will be if I put those events on it. So, don't blame (and laugh at) me if I say one of my weaknesses is I'm a very moody person that I think I change every 5 seconds and how to overcome it is by being less sensitive and try to be happy in doing everything. Don't ask me how to do that, it's another bullshit a system creates.

:( :'( :|

I never thought the decision made almost a year ago still has a great effect on me today. I'm currently in a condition where I have to make peace with myself because I know there's no other things I can do but to start to be thankful and bear with what I have right now, and forget everything I've left behind. Tiring enough, especially to notice that instead of studying why government has to set the minimum wages for labour even though it increases the unemployment rate, I'm still thinking of what kind of life I'd live if I did what I better do 3 years ago and what kind of life I'd live in the future.

It all started when I rearranged my documents few days ago, reread my essays and remembered how glad I was when I received the acceptance letter. I started to blame myself that I didn't study hard enough because if I did, right now I might've been in the other part of the globe sitting in my room talking with a roommate from another region in the world I've never heard before. I hate myself for having thoughts like this but I can't seem to stop. And yesterday I got a news that my friend got the full scholarship of Wesleyan University, another test I failed to pass. I absolutely am happy for him! Not that he said he owes it all to me for helping him but at the same time, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe I lied when I said I've moved on. Or maybe I'm still the same old me who can't let go of the so-called dreams I tried to chase. Believe me it's really hard to get over it. It's been almost a year, but what else a girl in my position to do? I have tried for christ sake to cope and deal with these economic things and involved myself in many activities just to make me busy because at times like this, I know I'll always come back to this very thought that I wouldn't be here if I was good enough.

I know I need to be more thankful that being in my position has been said intensely by many people in their prayers. I've been too stubborn and greedy and everything seems to make sense now. Maybe this is a punishment for me. Or maybe this is just another test in the future I'd wish I could pass. Because I don't know the master plan yet. Maybe this is the best way that can make me smile and think one day about how stupid I was to complain and to blame myself for things I couldn't change. Or maybe I just haven't figured out yet that this is the best way that fits me the most, because I can't stop assuming this and that. I've never been anywhere too far before, why should I expect I'd be that far? Okay then, I need to force myself to stop. I need to get back to reality.

It's not easy to be a lady

The mountain of task was the stimulus the other day. The apply-online-now-use-less-paper ads was the heartbreaker the other night. The appearance of an old woman during the sleep was the fire-starter in the morning. The upcoming two-week mids is the haunter all day long. At the end of the day, period comes.

Being a lady isn't that easy. It's not easy to keep waiting for the guy to text and come and say hi first, for the sake of dignity. It's not easy to keep being underestimated just because people tend to think you use more emotions than rational actions. It's not easy to keep quiet when a stubbly hot guy passed by. Lol. It's not easy to do stat task (err, true?). It's not easy to be pretty, especially when you can't stand the heels, the makeups, and the dresses. It's not easy to wear converse and jeans and backpack and still being pretty. It's not easy to drive a car when people look at you behind the steer and say 'oh, a girl'. It's not easy for god sake not to curse because you're a girl and people want to hear good things come out from your mouth. It's not easy to keep calm when period comes. it's not easy!

SO HIGH!

Can you tell me where it leads when it's neverending?

Can you tell me where to go when no one's home?

And I know, you know, it hurts

It hurts to be alone

You're all, on your own

On a one-way train going down

Can you tell me what to say when there's no one listening?

Can you show me what to do when all is done?

The plan has gone wrong

Like a one-way train going down

...

Roxette - It hurts

~~~

It's friday night and I'm sitting all alone in my room. Everyone is busy watching tv out there, and they're laughing and I hate it so much. And my itunes has been playing this song I write above since the first time I opened it, I put it under the repeat item mode. And as I remember, I tried so hard not to talk too much today because everytime people talked to me, I feel like they're all wrong and I'm right, and I want to shut them mouth up. Even the lecturer. But all I could (and can) do is just sitting here, playing an emo song, "talking" to a blank page hoping someone somewhere understands that it's not that I'm a hater because I don't know either what's happening to me. Even when a friend recognised that I'm currently not in a good mood, I could only try to change the topic. I feel like talking seriously, but I just can't because there's nothing to talk about. I just hate everyone now. Oh now you know how bad it feels like to be me.

When it comes about this country, it turns out way too cheesy

I'm not trying to sound like an expert because I know I'm not perfect. I just can't help noticing that there's something wrong here, something that brings out a real bad atmosphere. The leaders expand their power yet the people can't be any cleverer. Teenagers become young mothers. The law is purchasable. We own awful kinds of infrastructure and transportation and that's what we've got because our minds and hearts are rotten. There's nothing free and everyone's treated badly.

So what am I supposed to do as I got no clue. All I know is everyone tries to say what they think is right but they can't even unite. The obvious irony is everything's always about money. You have it you're happy, you don't have it you're grumpy. I kinda feel bad now to have wasted my money on unimportant things, knowing that there are millions of people out there willing to do everything to get it and even die trying. But you know what, instead of feeling guilty I'd rather listen to the radio and watch telly because those evil, heartless creatures are still out stealing everything like leeches sucking blood. Seems impossible for the responsible parties to get them arrested and that pretty much makes me sickened. What's with 'we live in a land of peace and we can get everything with ease'? Even mother-nature makes us feel like a goofy-goober. And I know, this is pointless but I'm not a wuss. At least I dare to care, and even if it's not gonna be easy, one day I'll give a great contribution from in or outside this country.

I swear and I don't care

I believed in your deception, and that makes me feel really stupid. You won, congratulation. Now I feel like a piece of shit in my cave not wanting to go out of my room and talk to anyone, even through online messengers. Seriously, what was on my mind? I feel like an idiot, staring at a blank page, deleting what I've written and typing other things, struggling with my own thoughts that I shouldn't come on this blog only to complain and being grumpy.

And another silly thing is I don't know what I want. I said to myself that I want people to leave me alone because I need some time for myself to do whatever I'll do alone. On the other hand, I keep checking on my phone hoping somebody would flash on it brighten up my day. Yes, I'm that fragile at this moment. I don't know how to handle this and I'm ashamed to re-read this again one day, I can't even imagine someone would feel sorry for me for this. I'm very angry and unfortunately I can't burst it out in a more normal way.

This is not about the goddamn GPA and everything related to it. I don't give a fuck about them. Perhaps, what makes me so angry is the fact that this is my own fault and no one else is being involved because I've been too stubborn to think that I could do it right. I'm confused, I know there's something wrong and how I wish people would understand and come and say sweet things to calm me down or something but I can't even say a word, because of my arrogance that I don't want people to know that I can be this clumsy. I am mad at myself.

I'm feeling sorry for my own self. My phone is full of numbers but no one calls. And I'm still having a problem with accepting things that don't go as I expected. Mum told me a story about a rich and a poor man, and by being grateful and ungrateful the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer. By the time she told me, I was sure that I fit in to the poor more, that I would sink deeper in this fucking trauma I named it.

I'm heaps mad. I'm stupid, deceived, and really really angry. But I look like :|. What's wrong with me???????

Oh please

Mum and my little sissy have a fight. Boo! This is ridiculous because whenever mum wants to tell my sister about something, she will ask me to deliver the news. And my sister does the same. I stuck in the middle. This morning mum was really upset because my sister hadn't woken up till 12 pm while she already asked me to wake her up and told her to go to her math course. She told me to tell her once again but I was like fucked up already, so I tried to bring my sissy to her and told her to tell it by herself. Gosh I was like facing children because at first they didn't want to talk to each other. Yeah, that's mum and my sister. Guess apples don't fall too far from the tree?

Please?

It's raining and it's the perfect time to write something. Ha it rhymes!

But no, I know what's been on my mind and if I had to burst it out here, it would absolutely turn out too cheesy. And if I talk about exams, it won't bring any good either. And neither will the invitation letter. And to make it worse, there's no one to talk to about this little thing and this blog isn't the right place also. Once I told a friend about it she laughed and said that I should've thrown away my heart. Yeah right, it's better to be heartless than to have it control over your brain. But still, sometimes I wish we could just pretend......

Can some good-looking stubbly guy come and replace the fukcing place??????? Random much.

Hello again, meany life!

Lots of things happened in just one day. I got bad news from the exchange team. I was told that this week would be like hell because of quizzes. I was told that I was bad. And it shocked me. The worst part was when I was about to go back to campus to attend a meeting at a rainy day and I needed to use the car (fyi I just washed it in the afternoon and rain washed away my money...... boo!), but there were like 9 people talking to me through bbm and it all made me panic and upset a bit, and I stupidly scratched the car. To mum's. I was horrible.

Gaaaaaaah, finals, exchange, committees, assignments, scratched cars, lots of things to do yet too little time!!!!! I'm screwed!

If you don't know, please shut your mouth. Thanks

I've been busy doing my tasks lately and it's like I have found excuses not to do many things because of it. Like, I have some day offs when the activity they make doesn't seem important (oh please), and dad was like 'did you really think you could go abroad if you act like that?' Seriously, can you please not mention it because I'm being like this because I don't go.

So tomorrow they have this Program Cinta Kampus, or I Love Campus Program, which I obviously won't go because I don't love that campus. And again, dad wants me to start loving the place and he keeps saying that if I act like this he really made a good decision not to let me go. All I want is for him to stop expecting, like I did long time ago. Because it's hard enough for me to go everyday to the place I don't like, do the things I don't want to, and be surrounded by people whose way of thinking I don't enjoy.

It's good that I've found new good friends, despite the fact that mostly they don't think what I'm thinking. It's also good to know I can easily fit in this new situation. But through all of that, still there's something missing inside me. That's why I don't want dad, or anyone, to expect me to be like what they want, or anyone to say that I don't act like what I'm supposed to. It's hard enough for me and please don't make it harder. Thanks.

I take pill to sleeping

Today was the first day of this tiring orientation thingo and it totally sucked! I can't believe I woke up early this morning and didn't get a nap and spent almost 12 hours there and it was for friggin singing. There was a briefing for another orientation after and it gave me fuck loads of tasks but it didn't seem to bother me, really. I mean, I don't mind to do all that but hey, can't you just wait until Monday? Plus, I know mum knows that I absolutely don't like going there and she didn't pick me up home and my fucking brother was sleeping so I had to go home alone by that stupid angkot car. A perfect Sunday. I hate you even more.

And I got all the symptoms of flu so I take pill to sleeping. Sounds like super stressed out.